Make My Wish Come True

Another hour and a half to kill before I have to get ready for school. I should be doing something more productive (eg. clean my room) rather than blogging nonsense and chatting nonsense online with Jac (actually we're reminiscing about KC days and how old we are already).

We're planning to head back to KC next year to do some visiting (actually more to eat cheap yet good canteen food). I terribly miss Ms. Low. She's the only teacher I miss. I don't look forward to seeing Sng and the other teachers who gave me hell. I wasn't a bad student but I wasn't exactly an angel. Sec 1 and I already visited the principal's office. Shush. Just have to remind Quek (Yes you're going with me) and Jac to not dress so "Butch-like" and act girly. Haha. Quite impossible aye? I wonder if Peggy Tan would still think Quek and I are together. LOL. I'd like to see shock faces when they see us together. -sniggers-

I so want to Mambo on Wednesday, Herstory on Thursday, Phuture on Friday and Zoukout on Saturday but its impossible. Think I'll only end up Herstory-ing on Thursday and maybe Zoukout on Saturday. Bloody zero already. Plus I promised Leong no Mambo till holidays. -mutters- But I want square rooms. -whines-

Anyway, I've been clubbing like average of 3 days a week for the past 2 weeks. Its hell tiring and expensive though I get free alcohol most of the time. Cab fare and cigarettes are enough to burn a huge hole (which I have now) in my pockets. I wonder how some people can club so often. Kowtow man.

Then there's Christmas and New Year's Eve. Want to how busy and expensive. I need a job~ I need a girlfriend~ Its a damn hell month full of clubbing. Club club club my life away. I like. My theory is that I better enjoy my student life before I graduate and start working. Then by that time, no time to club and no time to find girlfriend.

Ya ya, I've been going on about needing a girlfriend. Should start posting up a personal ad on my blog. LOL. To Quek I've been going on and on about -Ahem and ahem-. Hey, at least mine's quite realistic. I know them, talk to them online and get to see them once in awhile. Cookie cookie. Oooh, Olivia Olson's All I want for Christmas is You is playing.

People tell me that I'm not unwanted and that I'm picky. The problem is, I really am unwanted so what is there to be picky about?! There's nothing to pick about in the first place. -fainted- So please, if you like me, TELL ME LA. So I can start picking. Ya la, I'm picky but I swear that as of now, there's nothing to nit pick.

But hor, now I only want her and her. Tell me how?! Jac tells me to just take only. If only its that easy. Okay, I think I'm going mad thinking about them. Enough. Its becoming some sort of obsession.

Oh ya. The next time I see Tits I'm going to scold her. She gave my number to someone on Saturday! Omg. I want to kill her. Thank god the person didn't message me. I cannot survive without my Ba Chor Mee and Wanton Mee if you get my gist. Knn. Smack her.

---

*update: 1125 hours

OMFG. I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT NE FORUM LAST SATURDAY. CLUB LA, CLUB SOMEMORE YOU MOFO. -faints- Great, now I don't need to graduate.

"I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas is
You... yeah yeah

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
(and I) Don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you...
You baby

Oh I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
(and I) I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
You baby

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere (so brightly yeah)
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing (oh yeah)
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need -
won't you please bring my baby to me...

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is
You and you and you...

All I want for Christmas is you.."

All I Want For Christmas Is You And You

In random order:

- Moto RAZR V3 in Pink
- Havaianas Trekking in Gold
- Levi's Hangout Jeans
- Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (Hardcover)
- Converse Chuck Taylors, High Cut in Black, White or Grey
- Girlfriend (Technically, you and you)

Lol. The last one is just a random thought. You and you refer to 2 different people. -sighs-

Its 0602 hours now. I just woke up at 0300. Fantastic. 15 hours of sleep. Though I was interrupted by Quek who came over to take her stuff, and although I refused to get out of bed so she took her stuff and got my sister to open and close the door for her but she interrupted my beauty sleep!

My biological clock is screwed. Day becomes night and night becomes day. When everyone is up and about, I'm asleep and vice versa. Going to fix it today so I'm not going to sleep then go straight for lessons then come home and comatose. Lucky I have Ashley who's as mad as me to chat the night away the past few days. Haha.

Everyone prepare yourselves to not receive any Christmas present from me because I'm broke. Need to search for a job soon. Although hopefully I get a secret admirer who can buy me one of the above. Lol. Hoping for God knows what seriously.

K, I'm bored. I need a girlfriend. Christmas and New Year's Eve is going to be so boring. I need a girlfriend. I want you and you please. Hahaha.

---

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on

"So scandalous"

Baby I'm Back

Those who know me well would know that this is one of my all time favourite songs; Baby I'm Back - Baby Bash Featuring Akon. Yes I'm back. Not in full force as of yet but I'm back. I shan't go into details about what exactly woke me up from this deep slumber but I'm back. Okay I know, point noted. (:

Its 0758 hours as I type with the above mentioned song, 2 Play - So Confused and Natasha Bedingfield - I Bruise Easily on repeat. The three songs have been replaying themseleves over and over again in my head anyway. Total reflection of my confused status now.

I haven't slept at all for the past 44 hours and I am still wide awake. This is getting a little out of hand. Yesterday or rather the past 24 hours have been really tiring mentally and physically. I'm rather surprised that I am not a tad bit sleepy. I received the most number of scoldings from various people (You guys know who you are) within 24 hours. Ironically, thank you. Really, I mean it.

It is interesting how people from your past come back to "haunt" you. I mean "haunt" in 2 very different perspectives. One was a "hate" mail which consisted the most brutal words and metaphors that one can think of, from an old friend. Thank you for remembering me in my times of needs. I appreciate it. (:

The other has just been always there hanging around waiting to pounce like a feline would on its prey, metaphorically speaking. Honestly, I'm getting bored even before anything has even started. I'm just going to take it as far as I would because you seriously don't mean anything. Boring.

I've been seeing and hearing a couple of old sayings of late. That since "Life is already at rock bottom, it can't get any worse.", "Your happiness is within your own grasp, grab it, don't waste it." and "There is always a first for everything.". The three sentences just keep running through my head. Go figure.

With all honestly, I really pray that it can't get any worse than it is because its in a huge mess like my room is and its going to take awhile to clean up. Then something happens that might just prove the statement wrong, that worse things can happen.

I know I'm speaking in riddles but I will fill you in if I think you need to know. Be patient and wait for your turn. Fish Cake Queky Poo, when you're done with your hangover, read this and prepared yourself for another shock (because I'm kinda shocked myself) message me immediately. Oh my god, I'm dying keeping this secret to myself. Faster. You have to be the first to hear this. FASTER. Lol.

This is going to take awhile. It has nothing to do with my past, nothing to do with the girl who wasn't. Its a whole new ball game and I'm stuck. Fabulous.

Psst: Go figure; Lyrics.

*update: 1012 hours.

I am still awake. So dead. At this rate I'm going, I'm going to break my personal record of not sleeping for 60 hours. The 3 songs are still repeating. Lol.

Random thought. I feel like repainting my whole room. Obviously not possible because my sister and my mum would think I've gone nuts if I suggest that to them. Then again it is, because previously I painted my whole room by myself. Thinking of some pretty wall art. Aiya, why must I share the room with the lil prick. Actually I think I just need some oil paints, canvas and brushes. I miss painting.

Zoukout or no Zoukout? But I want to Mambo. No more Mambos and week day clubbing for me till holidays and special occasions. Like Herstory. Die also must go.

I almost forgot about my annual Christmas card tradition. This year, its going to be something different, like you know, different. Plus, I thought of the perfect Christmas present to myself. Yes I believe in pampering myself. Now, keep your eyes peeled.

Ooh. Time to write the Christmas wish list again. Next entry. I'm feeling the Christmas mood. I've already got a few items noted in my head. ((: Problem is, what am I going to do on Christmas Eve? There has been a slight change of mind with plans. All thanks to Gemma. I bet we will end up following Gemma's plan. -looks at Yong Tau Foo clan-

I feel like some Ben and Jerrys now. Argh. Cannot. Resist. Fat fat fat. Buy me a tub and I'll give you a peck on the cheek underneath the mistletoe this Christmas. If you can find a mistletoe that is.

"I think I'm losing my head over you girl. More than my head actually."

Sloshed

I know many are upset and disappointed with me. That most have already given up trying to get to me to head to school. Yes I lied, 3rd week in a row I haven't attended lessons because I don't even know why.

Its not that I overslept or can't wake up like before. Like I mentioned before, I have so much trouble sleeping of late that I barely sleep and look like a tanned panda walking around. The only time I actually sleep well is when I'm drunk.

Which would be my next point, I got drunk again last night. This time around, it was as bad as the previous Zouk experience. Like dead drunk except the difference was I was awake and puking my guts out. So much so that Jamie's guy friends had to send Leong and I back to her place because there was no way Leong could carry me.

After much contemplation, I left my house at 2330, cabbed down to Zouk and jumped queue and got in. Zouk was mother fucking packed. So much so I was pissed and irritated for that 1 over hour we were there. Then I suggested going over to China Black because no mambo song was going to make me any happier and plus, Phuture was full house, didn't even get to step in.

It was at China Black where I got sloshed. Screwdrivers and Whiskey Dry. Lost count of the cups then the killer, Moet. Damn the bloody champagne. My gastric really hurts like hell now. Hang over of the century I tell you. Doesn't help that I have a 10 page report to be completed by tomorrow 1700 hours. Oh, I haven't started.

Tuesday met 3/4 of the Yong Tau Foo clan. Actually we're all like empty yong tau foo shells without the fish paste. Sat around Spinelli's and basically just stoned and moped around. All we do is mope. Girlfriend please! Herstory next Thursday, like yay. Time to pick some people up instead of waiting for nothing to happen. I've been like getting horny guys picking me up at clubs. I think I need to tattoo the word lesbian on my head. I want GIRLS okay. Tsk.

After much contemplation again because I thought I wasn't going to club on Wednesday, I bugged Leong and we headed to Chinablack for Gemma's birthday party/CJC Prom Bash. Loads of unexperienced JC dancing like I don't know what. But it was fun. R&B all night. Deviation from all the mambo and house music. Yes I'm spending all my money on clubbing. Perfect Andrea. Just fantastic.

Yes I asked for it. I deserve it. I even deserve getting kicked out of school. Maybe that's what I want. All I do now is club, drink and get drunk. Fantastic. I should consider my career as a club critic and write a book on why you should get dead drunk.

Seriously, I don't really care what you guys think. Because if anyone really cared, show me, ask me. Stop pretending that I'm okay. Because I'm obviously not. I don't know how to pick things up and move on. No I'm not going to stop clubbing because that's the only one thing keeping me from killing myself.

Ya ya, I'm the only one who can help myself now. Doesn't anyone get it, I'm sick and tired of having to help myself because I'm just totally helpless now. I don't know what's going on, I don't know why I've become so. I'm sick of people telling me that I'm the only one who can help myself, that everything is going to be fine. Because its NOT OKAY.

Know what. Fuck seriously. Just fuck off. Even I don't care anymore so just leave me alone.

"I bruise easily, so be gentle"

The Time Has Come

If I still continue with my MIA status in school, it would be the 3rd week and I think its time to get over my moping/holiday period and start getting my ass back into school. I've already missed 2 whole weeks of lessons and I'm absolutely clueless about all the modules. I don't even feel stressed about all the projects which are so damn close to the submission dates.

Not to mention that I skipped the whole educational trip which means I'm in deep trouble because its 20% of coursework, which means I might just jolly well get debarred from the whole module. Going to school later to plead my case and hopefully my maximum sentence would be just getting zero out of the 20% and having to ace the rest of the coursework component to avoid failing. Yes, I screwed up again. Fantabulous. Well done. -scowls-

Then when I'm determined to not skip anymore tutorials, project meetings and lectures, tutorial and lecture is cancelled. What a bummer. But I'm still going to school. -mutters-

All I've done the past 2 weeks is crying and clubbing instead of going to school like I should. Fucking hell. Then I realise that SIP Portfolio is due this Friday. A whole 10 pages of crap that I have to bullshit about. Screwed screwed screwed. Oh well, I'm going to meet Leong at the National Library later at 1330 so she can study proper for exams (instead of clubbing) and I can work on the portfolio.

I finally watched Mr. Potter earlier with a very unwilling Queky. One word, disappoinment. Actually it should be two words, MAJOR disappoinment. Right from the start to the end, I spotted like so many deviations from the original story. I can understand if they took out parts due to time constraints but why alter the story?! And why did they take out the Quidditch World Cup and the part where Dudley Dursley ate the Ton Tongue Toffee?! I'm sure many Potter fans were dying to see Krum in action and Dudley with a four foot tongue but no, they took it out. -grumbles-

Cedric Diggory is pretty cute but I still think Potter is way cuter. -looks at Leong- Cho Chang has this really strong accent, either Scottish or Irish. Hermione is still as pretty and Ron Weasley has grown a lot. LOL. Oh oh, I think the Weasley twins (Fred & George) are pretty cute as well. Lol. Okay, why am I talking about how cute or uncute each of the characters are. Though I expected Lord Voldermort to be way scarier in full form. Somebody give me a wand now and I'll do the 3 unforgivable curses on a few people. Nonsense again.

My mind isn't wandering to places as much as a week ago. Most of the time my head is just pretty blank. Maybe Potter should take Occulmency lessons from me instead of Snape. Okay, Potter overload. I've stopped crying as well, stopped imagining things, stopped contemplating suicide but I'm still not eating and not sleeping well. Its been hard, a really terrible two weeks of my life but I'm much better now. Not totally okay yet but at least I'm moving on.

To Cowshit, everything will work itself out. God has his own plans for us. Hang in there dear, I'm here like you were for me. Love you girl.

To Tau Pok, I guess you know who you are. If you don't, I'll remind you, "Don't lie on my ni ni". LOL. I know you're probably feeling how I felt about 2 weeks ago. You'll be fine once you learn to let go. Don't make me slap you cause you know I will and we'll end up fighting. I don't really know what to say but hang in there, I'm here. You can lie on my "NI" if you want to. LOL LOL.

To Fish Cake, my new nick name for QUEKY POO POO. Goodness, that sounded disgusting but anyway, thank you for everything dear. Yes I will start going to school. So I can start bugging you to come over to Business Reservoir to smoke. Love you very very very much too. Too bad I'm not Cookie, if not you'll love me very very much too. Lol.

Aiya, everyone's out of love. Welcome to the club. We're all on clearance sale. Leave me a comment if you're interested. Merlin's beard, I think I've gone off my rockers. Portfolio bullshit time. -mutters-

---

*update: 0745 hours

Almost 0800 in the morning and I'm still awake. In fact my sister is also wide awake and we both have not slept since yesterday. Its quite frustrating not being able to sleep when you're physically just so tired. At least someone else in this house or someone else for that matter understands my frustration now.

My head really hurts from the lack of sleep. 2 bloody weeks of a few hours of sleep everyday, I'm suffering from a permanent headache. Nightmares still jolt me right awake from my sleep. Someone either just wants me dead soon or just wants me to suffer.

So around 0600, the lil brat and I (or rather me) got pretty bored with surfing the net (we were doing online window shopping together) and I suggested going down for breakfast. It was pretty hilarious as the two of us were stoning like rocks while eating breakfast and complaining about how full we were and all. Some kind of sisterly bonding over prata, beehoon, coffee, tea and newspapers.

Not going to school anymore cause I figured that Mr. Fung is busy with pre booked consultations and he wouldn't be bothered with someone who didn't bother to turn up for the trip. E-mailed him instead and prolly look for him on Wednesday.

Arggh. My head fucking hurts. And its all your fault. Okay, not your fault. I can't think proper now. Fuck fuck fuck.

"As much as I try not to, I still miss you."

I Need A Girlfriend

LOL. This is Queky's blog entry title, as well as what Leong has been repeating to me on a daily basis. We all need a girlfriend. Seriously. But its okay, we all have each other. I love you guys! (:

At Leong's now. Walked back from River Valley where we had supper after club hopping actually more like club shuffling. Headed to Hard Rock then to Liquid Room then back to Hard Rock and then back to Liquid. Long story about why we were shuffling between the 2 clubs, all I can say is that I was pretty pissed. Sorry guys, my bad. Plus for the first time, I clubbed with my lil brat sister. Haha. So weird.

Its funny how we say we're going to club and look for cute butches and pretty girls when we all just end up moaning about the ex-es when we hear a song that reminds us of them. I think the problem is, where the hell have all the goodlooking single PLUs gone to?! Bloody disappear when you need them. 3 nights in a row and we're still whining about the same old thing. We're such morons.

Somehow, everyone seems to be suffering from a heart break of sorts now. At least the people around me. Everyone is either moaning, groaning, crying or staring into space. Leong doesn't know what to cry about, I just can't seem to cry anymore. I finally ran out of tears. Its about time I ran out of tears anyway.

Sappy love songs are on repeat as I type and as Leong snoozes away. Actually there are cute butches around. -looks at Leong- Its just that none of us seem interested or they aren't interested. Either way, it sucks. Stupid stupid. I think if you put Drake in front of me now I'll prolly just ignore her. Hahaha.

Aiya, nonsense la. Again, I don't know why I'm blogging. Nonsense, everything is just nonsense. Serious nonsense. Time to go home.

"Tease me, tempt me. Make me fall for you."

Lovers and Friends

The past 2 days has been nothing but serious clubbing and I mean serious. My stomach feels really weird now with the excessive alcohol intake plus the lack of food.

Wednesday, headed to Phunk (some ulu club next to Cheekys) for drinks first. Started playing 5, 10 and it was damn hell hilarious. I think it had something to do with the excessive drinking as well. Plus the fact that the club was pretty empty as it was around 10 pm odd, we were screaming and laughing like we owned the place.

So 4 giggling girls packed the cab and headed on to Zouk, which was strangely quiet compared to the past 2 weeks. We were even making a din in the toilet, not very glam but it was funny. Hey, 4 heartbroken friends just need some laughter okay.

Ordered more drinks and I ended up puking next to the dustbin at the entrance of Zouk. Damn hell high so I insisted that they go out with me to have prata opposite.

Till closing, I was zooming in and out between Zouk and Phuture because they insisted on staying at Phuture so most of the time I headed on alone to Zouk to mambo. Its was good, I saw plenty of people (actually, I see most of these people every Wednesday). I saw the other long lost best friend Sel and Chingyen, Nicole Mok (who's there everytime I head to Zouk), Sophia (who I last saw a year ago) with Rick and Cole, Ryl's "eyecandy" (who's there more than once a week), Bros Product and Collage people, Gary, Bryan etc, Tits, my cousin Leslie and I can't really remember who else.

So while I was mambo-ing on the platform alone. A bouncer approached me and asked me to follow him to the office. For 2 seconds I got a slight shock then I remembered it had to be about the girl I accidentally pushed off the podium last week. I'm not exactly sure if the girl filed a police case against me but so far there's nothing. If she does, then someone will call me. Doesn't really bother me at this point of time.

We continued on to Spice at River Valley with Amanda, Spencer and Jemma for supper. Ordered Mee Goreng but only ate like 1/4 of it, luckily the Queky was there to finish most of it for me. Heh. Went back and read Mr. Potter till 11 am. Stupid insomnia.

Everyone finally got up around 3 pm. Ordered Macs and I finished like half my McChicken burger. After much whining and all, we decided to go clubbing again. Haha. So everyone got changed and all and we headed to Md. Sultan.

We were supposed to join Jemma and friends at Desire but we headed on to Newsroom Bar for drinks and planned to move on to dbl O. Newsroom Bar was pretty quiet, like seriously a few people milling about plus it was a Thursday. So we just sat around, drank, cried and talked.

Then apparently 2 bartenders wanted to get to know me so we ended up with a whole table of don't know what cocktails. Within 30 minutes of that, I was dead drunk once again. So anyway, so much for moving on to dbl O, they sent me straight back and I comatosed till 6 am.

Basically its been alcohol and more alcohol and its still going to be more alcohol because its either Zouk or Hard Rock tomorrow. Shall see how as I am zero already. Honestly, I don't really know what I'm doing at this point of time. I'm just a little lost on how to go on with everything. Other than that, I'm doing fine except that I sprained my left ankle at Zouk. Knn.

And oh. Check this out. Quite hilarious, but I'll be there la.

---

*update: 0551 hours.

6 am in the morning and I'm still bloody wide awake. I planned to visit the grandma for lunch because she's sick and I haven't seen her in eons and she was complaining to my mum about how long she hasn't seen me so I don't really know how I'm going to get up but since I get up after about 3 hours of sleep everyday now, I think I'll be fine.

This insomnia is really getting to me. The only time last week that I managed to conked out straight was when I was drunk yesterday. Ahhh, the wonders of alcohol. Sounds like a plan for tomorrow's sleeping problems.

The scales say I've lost another kilogram. So I'm officially 1 kg shy of my druggie days (43 kg) but I do hope I don't end up like Nicole Richie, she looks terrible. In fact she doesn't even look like Nicole Richie anymore. I assure you I still look very much Andrea Lim. Haha.

I've been eating. I swear, ask the people whom I've been hanging around with. Its just that I eat at most 1 meal a day. That's the most that can go in. I feel like a whole tub of Ben and Jerrys now and I can't because I'm broke. And its all Chan Bros fault and as I type, Quek is enjoying Big Breakfast at ECP's Macs. Knn. Call yourself my best friend. Haha.

Oh, I messaged my supervisor on Thursday and told her if they didn't process my cheque by the end of this week, I'm going to MOM. Guess what. My HR called me at 0930 Friday morning waking me up from my drunken stupor telling me she'll bank it in for me. And guess what again, I checked my ledger balance just now, the damn money is still not in. And this is the 3rd time they are asking for my account number and say that they called my 9101 number and could not get me. Pissed, pissed pissed. October's pay become November's pay already. I have officially survived 1 month without any sort of income.

I saw a pretty pink sunset yesterday. Then I remembered the last time I saw a similar sunset, I was with you. Memories of you are just eating me away silently.

Eyebags are so bad that powder and concealer can't even cover it. Argh. I hate this insomnia. Someone feed me some prozac and valium. Okay, maybe some coke, not the soft drink you idiot.

"I don't really know where to start"

Actually This Feels Worse Than Semester Papers

I know I'm going to regret the title but semester papers are not due till next Feb/Mar. Months to go so fuck it. Oh yes I'm crying while typing this but since a week ago, when have I blogged without crying.

Friends have been telling me that they miss the old Andrea. Fuck, I miss myself as well okay. So stop telling me that you miss the old me. I miss myself more than anyone. Ego speaking again. So ya, don't ask if I'm okay, because I've always hated that question. When someone is obviously not okay, you expect her to say yes? I always end up saying yes to shut everyone up. SO DON'T FUCKING ASK OKAY.

Mummy has some trouble with work. When she told me, I almost burst out in tears but I didn't, cause i didnt want her to ask questions because she would drill me. Actually she wont because she knows im damn hell stubborn. like her as much as she doesnt want to admit.

I dont reallly know why im blogging but i am. Just got quek to come pick me up so we can head to leong's because I just cant leave this hell hole alone. I cant wait for school to start again (Im going to regret this sentence as well but fuck it) so at least I have my girls back with me and prolly end up crying in the middle of business canteen because Jem would try to force me to eat but not suceed because hes scared of girls crying (it happened before so I doubt he'll try again but marilyn might and she'll end up screaming at me in front of everyone).

the girls and boys will be back on friday so i'll prolly end up at zouk on saturday night with the marilyn. see if i got money la. i only have 50 and i think im going to spend it all tonight. my cigg intake has been quite scary. serious chain smoking. i think im either going to die from the lack of food, lung cancer or alcohol overdose tonight.

actually come to think of it. ive been the old andrea to a certain extent. im still as stubborn and thats a major trait. no one can make me do anything if i dont want to except her and marilyn i think. even my mum has given up trying to make me do things. for example, my room is in a bigger mess than ive ever seen because i just cannot be bothered. ill prolly go crazy one day and start spring cleaning. i wish.

wish wish wish. thats all i can do. ive always secretly wished to see my dad back with us. i always secretly wish that because hes back so i can have my rich days back and it will be happy family again.. dads family flithy rich la okay that explains why im spoilt so dont blame me. i wish i could do better in school because i can if i stop doing last min work, do my tutorials and attend all lessons, which i have failed since i stepped into poly.

i wish i either never met u or things will be the same again. i wish that ill be able to enter sq's office in either yield mgt or route planning but i wont because they look at papers and im obviously no honours student like ryl and i lack a damn masters and experience. i wish i had a really goodlooking gf maybe like drake, HAHA but i had this convo with a irc friend and decided that i want the limelight for myself so my gf cannot be better looking than me. ego again. i wish i striked toto or 4d so i dont need to depend on anyone for money and get my mum out of her hell job. i wished i continued with ballet so i could become a professional ballerina (my dream when i was young ok), cant believe i stopped after 12 years and wasted all that 12 years.

but money isnt everything, i honestly just wish i can be as happy as i was back in kc. parkway with sel, bubbletea for lunch, fighting with val, running around the art room without my belt singing to whatever song was on the radio, getting oil paints all over my face and go home looking like a moron without realising it, dancing like mad girls with my cheerleading mates during practice, avoiding mr karib who cut my belt at least 5 times in my 4 years, peggy tan demanding i take off my hot pink sweater during assembly cause she though i looked like a fool, in house suspension because of playing dai dee. -smiles-

but we all have to grow old. KNN. next year 20. i hope 2006 will be better than 2005. then i would have known quek for 5 years, 1 year of being my gf and 4 years of being best friends. hahaha. i think she'll die thinking of how much more of my nonsense she'll have to tahan from me. the shock when i told her CERTAIN things which a selected people know. and she scolding me (VERY RARE OKAY because Quek is scared of me. LOL) because of the shock and me doing something i would never do.

then i have to switch my body clock back because its been mad. i only fell asleep at 9 plus this morning and my mum just patted my head when she saw me awake. i wish they gave me the damn sleeping pills in the hospital. not bad, knocked out straight away.

actually i dont even know what im blogging. just random thoughts in my head. it beats my random thought of jumping off because that ran through my head when i came back from crying while buying ciggs. not bad, when ur crying. they dont dare to check ur ic. haha. k, im off to finish potter and wait for the duck to waddle here.

"It's so hard to let go"

It Feels Like I Just Finished My Semester Papers

I don't really know what to say. But its finally really over. Its okay. It's been tiring me out and I haven't eaten for days. Not that I'm intending to eat later on. Let's hope Newsroom Bar becomes my food for the past week. I think I really need the alcohol.

Anyway, thank you to you both. I guess both of you reading this would know who you are.

Firstly to you, I'm sorry for acting the way I've been but I do hope you understand. It hasn't been easy for me and it wouldn't be any easier now. I don't understand why I'm like that either but I'm trying. For once, I do hope you believe in me. Anyway, likewise, thanks for the memories, good luck in everything. And I do hope we meet up soon because I'm running out of shorts at home, really. Haha. Deep down, I'll still be waiting. You know that. And for the final time, I love you.

Now you. I'm sorry for reacting the way I did. Although sometimes when I think about it, I don't think I'm wrong, sometimes I think I'm not. But anyway, thanks for the emails. Whether the intention was good or bad, don't blame me for suspecting but I'm a cynical bitch and I don't trust anyone but myself, thank you.

With all honesty, I'm not going to say good luck to both of you because I won't and I would just be lying to myself. As much as I want to ask the two of you to burn in hell, it won't happen either because that's up to God to decide, not me. Though I secretly wish I was Mr. Potter so I would be able to turn you guys into frogs or something. Okay, nonsense.

"Ooh I hear laughter in the rain, walking hand in hand with the one I love"

Can I Have It Like That

I've been blogging excessively but there's nothing to do at home. I usually only manage to sleep after tossing and turning for a couple of hours and before I know it, the sun has risen. When I wake up around noon after being awaken for a lot of reasons, I just turn on the telly and channel surf till about 2200 or 2300 at night.

That's all I've been doing the past few days. Occasionally I head out of the house to check if stupid Chan Bros has paid me which they obviously haven't. Go fed up so I applied for iBanking so I can just check without leaving my house. But I think I'll still head downstairs to check. Staying home all day long really gets to you.

So I was peacefully watching the Ch 8 9 pm show all comfortably wrapped up in my blanket, pillow, sugar and jacket when my neighbour walked passed. Knn, she laughed at me can and still asked if I was cold. DUH I was cold, if not mad ah. Sheesh.

I'm seriously down on my luck. After showering yesterday, I headed back to my room wrapped in my towel, when I took the towel off, I heard something drop. Fuck, it was my navel stud please. The one that I was drooling over for so long and The Gang bought for me for my 18th birthday. I lost the bearing! 2nd bearing I lost already. And both times I lost it at home. Better still, this stud costs almost a hundred. So now, I have a navel piercing without a stud. Fantastic.

My toe nails are all broken, short and ugly because of the stupid job on Saturday. I was treading in mud till ankle height so eventually they broke. At the same time, handling kids. They are such terrors oh my god. Then my poor lime green Flash Hop Havianas are like murky green because of all the mud now.

Then earlier on, I trip and fell while walking to the ATM. Kns. Thank goodness no one was around, or at least I think so. Lucky there's no bruise because I already have a huge one on my thigh which is just hideous.

A week plus has passed and my back is still peeling like crazy. Now I feel like a snake. Like the snake monster in Harry Potter and the Chambers of Secret. Speaking of which, I've been hearing some not so good reviews of Mr. Potter and The Goblet of Fire. But I still insist on watching it. Problem now is, watch with who? Queky watched it without me earlier today, Leong has already watched it twice, the rest are out of town. -mumbles-

Then, I have this huge pimple on my nose bridge, in between my eyes. Stupid. My mum and sister laughed at me. Just because I rarely have pimples and this one decides to appear some where weird also must laugh.

I managed to stuff 2 slices of raisin bread down my throat successfully without barfing. Like yay. Leong insist on packing lunch down to my house for me tomorrow. So sweet but no thanks dear. I'm supposed to meet Jac Tong for dinner, but I think I'll give it a pass as well. Doesn't anyone understand, not hungry? If I'm hungry I'll eat. I won't starve myself. My system is just rejecting food now, so whatever goes in eventually comes out so why make myelf suffer because I always cry when I puke. Don't tell me you feel fantastic when you puke. -scowls-

Aiya, whatever. Take it as a super unhealthy diet regime. At most when Marilyn and Ryl comes back from Dubai, I might get some thrashing from both of them. Then Quek wouldn't say I'm fat anymore! -glares at Quek-

Fuck la. Feeling blah again. Bloody mood swings like hell of late. I shall let the lil brat use the com and I'll go off to read some Mr. Potter.

"I'll find a way"

I'm Not Giving This Up

Yes I know, I promised Leong and Quek I would after that last entry but I'm not giving up. Because, I'm not and I can't.

I deleted the entry on 19th Nov because after much thought, reading and talking to people, I was in the wrong. I'm sorry but that was my only way to express my feelings but I shouldn't have done it that way. I know that I already posted it and it probably wouldn't help but it was childish and I don't really want to read it in my archives in the future and I was in the wrong. I could have handled it in a better way, but I didn't.

I've hardly spoken to Quek proper because every single time I try, I end up crying. As for Quek, I think you're just speechless. I'm sorry to have to put you through all my nonsense. I'll be fine, I'm not going to kill myself or anything. I won't. I promised remember?

I've lost another 1 kg in less than a week. I'm trying to eat, but everytime I see food, the bile just comes up to my throat and I end up puking nothing but water and green bile. Throat is still sore and the temperature is still fluctuating. I feel like I'm having dengue fever. -.-

The weather isn't helping much either. I'm perpetually freezing under my clothes, jacket and blanket. Where's the sun when you need it. Stupid.

With all honesty, I don't feel like clubbing tomorrow. But I was the one who bugged Cheryl (who has exams now), Quek (who is broke and her COOKIE wouldn't be there) and Bessy (who has to work the next day) so I feel guilty about backing out. I guess I'll just head to newsroom bar with them for drinks and if I'm still sober, we'll head to Zouk. See how okay girls? Sorry for wanting to back out.

Finally I have the house to myself. Mum and mum's bf is out working, the lil sis is out celebrating her freedom after O's. At least behind these closed doors, no one can see how I look like. Trust me, I look terrible with my skin still peeling, major dark eye rings and layers of fabric for warmth.

I've taken to sleeping in my mum's room for the past week. Because somehow, at least I don't feel so lonely. I've been wanting to talk to my mum. That's how desperate I am. At least, I can cry and she'll tell me everything's all right, everything will be fine. But of course I can't. I wish you would be the one, stroking my hair and telling me everything's going to be fine.

Stupid menses are here and I'm having the worst cramps in my life. I guess its the lack of food so its like gastric and cramps combined. Knn. I really really feel like a zombie, but zombies can't feel anything right? Okay, random.

Neil Sedaka's Laughter In the Rain is on repeat. Sugar is sitting next to me. Rainy days make me cry. And I really miss the lil baby and its owner.

Tears are here again. I never knew I had such a large supply of tears.

"Bring it all back to me"

one last try

the past i dont know how many hours, i spent it by sitting on the ledge on the 9th floor to the view of your block. when i finally got off. i started wandering about my block like a lost soul. then i started walking towards your house. but halfway through, i turned back. i don't know what made me got off that ledge and what made me turn back. but i did.

all i could do was cry and cry and cry. yes, ive lost it. i really have. everything came crumbling down since the day you left. ive tried, i really have. i haven't had a good night's sleep. i wake up every other night crying from stupid nightmares. the only one i can clearly remember was getting stuck alone in batam. i took the ferry from singapore and ended up in batam. then i realised i couldn't leave because i didn't have my passport. and then i woke up in tears.

im scared. i really am. i dont know whats wrong with me now. i dont even feel hungry after not eating for days. my darling sister made me pasta for dinner earlier, out of appreciation, i ate it. i know you read this amanda, just want to say thank you. that meant a lot to me.

the past week, my imagination went as far as a depressed person went. if only it was ever so active when i really needed it for projects and proper stuff. i thought about death in every single way you can. poison, car accident, rape, jumping off the building, knives, pills, choking, electrocution etc.

i thought about my love life, official relationships, crushes, flings, unofficial relationships. nur, ryan rodrigues, erlina, michelle yip, stephanie quek, elaine chee, bessy tan, shaun chong, dawn, rick, daniel chan and then lastly you, janice wee.

i thought about my dad and his other family, my family when he was still around, my mum, my sis and even my mum's boyfriend, my maternal grandma and grandpa, my beloved godparents and god siblings, my cousins and even my paternal grandma's dogs, ah girl, lucky, tiger and max.

i thought about my close friends, kim swee from pri 1, sapphira from pri 3-4, alicia from pri 5-6. sel, adah, sharline, tannia, amanda, val, ryna and of course queky from my secondary school days. chy, ryl, jem, kerrie, ron, shaun chong, shawn low, mel, dele, marilyn from the soon to be poly days. the random ones that i was either close to for a period or still am, cousin mervyn, sister mel anne and leong.

i thought about the days back in kc. the smell of my oil paints, the late night cheerleading practices. mad monks with sel, eddy, quek and bessy. late nights at cine sitting by the ramps doing absolutely nothing with the homeless crew. daily crying sessions at quek's when i went through my first depression at 16. i guess, ive been depressed in one way or another ever since.

basically, i thought about my past 19 years. the laughter, the tears, the anger, the jealously, the hate, the love, the pride. but most of the time, my thoughts centred around you. what you could be possibly doing at that very moment, how you were feeling, if you miss me like i do, if you still love me like i do. or if you told me the truth that you like someone else. if you would be willing to give it one last try like i would.

yes im stupid. yes im in denial. yes im dreaming of something i can never have. but thats all i can think about. i sit in front of the television and cry at the slightest sappy scene. i cry in the shower. i cry when i wake up. i cry myself to sleep. thats all i can do now. cry.

i look at my phone every single day. jumping at the sound of the tone of a phone call. hoping that it would be you. i even felt vaguely happy after hearing your voice this morning. i left my house, went to the bank and continued wandering around the interchange. crying. because my cheque would not get in till wed and chan bros hasnt paid me. i bet i looked like some moron with dark eye rings, crying, walking back and forth not knowing what to do.

i cry every single time i blog. the tears just fall and i only realise when my cheeks are all wet and my clothes damp. i just can't stop crying. my eyes and head hurts from all the crying and the lack of sleep. i cant walk straight, i obviously cant think straight. i still refuse to leave my house unless i have to cry and the family is around. i rejected food from my mums bf because the sight of it made me close to barfing. everytime i call quek, im crying.

i promised you and many others that i wouldnt attempt to kill myself again. so i didnt and i kept my promise. this year has been the toughest year ive been through. and through it all, you were there for me. scolding me to wake me up, hugging me as i cried, giving me suggestions on how i could go about solving my problems. and when i finally got better, made the move to move on, you left.

you were the only one who kept me going on. you made me open my eyes and take a good look around. and now, all i see is darkness. ive lost everything once again. and i know i would have to go through this, with or without you. but ive tried, i really have. i cant. when i finally came to terms with the fact that the relationship was over, you dropped a bomb on me. a bomb that pushed me even deeper back into the darkness.

now, im just going to give it one last try. as much as it angers my close friends. as much as i know what the answer is deep down. i really need you, i do. i'm sorry. will you come back to me?

Stupid Rag Doll

-yawns- Yes I'm at home. Gave the stupid trip a miss. MC later. Knn almost 40 degrees and throat hurts like hell. How to go like that?! Plus I realised I haven't really eaten anything since almost 2 days ago. All I had was 2 pieces of chicken on both days at Queky's. Strangely enough, I don't feel hungry but my gastric is somewhat protesting.

I'm up at this ungodly hour because she gave me a call telling me I'm a stupid bitch after she read my blog. Perfect. I expected that anyway. Nothing surprising really because I knew that's how she would react. Plus, stupid bitch is already very civil compared to the time she called me a prostitute when I wore a skirt when I'm wasn't supposed to.

I blogged the truth and nothing but the truth. Were you still expecting me to mope around like I did for the past week? I'm done with that seriously. If you thought through your own actions and what you said, this would not have happened but it already did so what the fuck right. And as usual. You can say all the mean things in the world and I can't just say a single thing, not even a peep. Enough is enough. I've had it. I'm done with crying, done with moping, done with you.

Okay. I ran out of things to say. Like I said in the previous entry, I'm just speechless. Congratulations on screwing up, screwing up my life and to your new love. Cheers. This is nonsense, serious nonsense.

The flu medicine I managed to find is kicking in. Feeling really drowsy. Time to head back to bed and to wake up later for MC and to bank my cheque in. Goodnight and goodbye.

---

Maroon 5 - Rag Doll

How ya feelin?
The day has had its way with both of us
And no, Ive gone out of my way
But I'm not free
From this pain Im reelin
I was a fool to think some day you would come around
But no no no I'm not thinking that way
Cause now I see

You are not what you seem
You are a mystery to me
Sometimes I just wana scream

I think you should just go away cause
Theres no necessity for you to stay and
Next time you come around my way
Forget it baby your not comin in

Hows your day been?
Cause mine has taken strange and ugly turns
But no no no I feel better today
Cause Im off my knees

You are not what you seem
You are a mystery to me
Sometimes I just wana scream

I think you should just go away cause
Theres no necessity for you to stay and
Next time you come around my way
Forget it baby your not comin in

A heart made for a lot of sorrow
No you cant come back tomorrow
Shut my windows, lock my doors
Cause my heart won't be your rag doll anymore
Yeah....

---

*update: 1210 hours.

Bessy and I are having a very interesting msn conversation about gfs. Nonsense. I cannot believe I'm having this conversation with a ex from about 7 months ago. Its really funny but due to obvious reasons I cannot post the conversation up. I mentioned that we both are stupid and she insisted that we aren't stupid, they (ex gf, gf whatever the status is now) are.

Something stupid just popped into my head. We (Leong, Bessy, Quek and I) should go out like the good old days. Although this time around, everyone would be single (except Leong). Woohoo. Obviously Bessy and I used to be together for 2 years. I was with Quek for a year. Quek used to like Leong. Leong used to like Bessy. WAHAHAHAHA. Maybe now I should try being with Leong and Quek and Bessy can be together. -big grin-

That was nonsense of course. I'm just bored and can't get back to sleep though I'm really drowsy and sleepy. Stupid. Barely had 4 hours of sleep. I also just realised that I've been using the word Stupid a lot. Stupid.

ANYWAY, enough of nonsense already. Unlike me Bessy, the ball is in your court now. Whether you choose to give it another shot or to walk away from the game, its up to you. But remember, once the decision is made, it will be too late for regrets. At least you have a choice. I wish I had a say too.

Wishes just never come true.

"I hate it that I still miss you."

How Could You

The last entry was posted at Quek's and it wasn't out of anger. I just couldn't stay home alone, in fear of my thoughts leading me to unwanted actions. Headed straight to Quek's right after everything. I left in such a huff that I even forgot to wear my watch, ring and beads. Things that you'll never see me without.

Seriously I'm physically and mentally drained out. Work on Saturday morning left me with serious muscle aches at my thighs that I even walk weirdly now. Plus the fucking bruise still hurts when I walk.

I finally had a good night's sleep at Quek's. I reckon its due to all the crying and lack of sleep the past week that knocked me out for a good 12 hours. Am currently running a temperature with my nose leaking like a tap and my throat all sore. Feel like some near death lifeless kitten.

Doesn't help that there's the dreaded educational trip later at a ungodly hour of 0900. Anything before noon and after 0500 is ungodly to me. If only I'm on my way to the airport with the rest to Dubai now. This trip could have done me some good. Beats being left all alone in Singapore without my Zoukettes.

But my dearest Leong and Quek has promised to club with me (if I decide to) on Wednesday even though NUS has exams for Leong to study for and Quek's COOKIE won't be there. Woohoo, hello Chinablack and Zouk then Leong's house for drunk monopoly.

Thank you Quek for the hugs and the scoldings. Thank you Leong for always being there for me. Thank you Marilyn for the chat on the phone. Thank you Ryl for constantly checking on me. Thank you Maye for taking time to message me even when you're knackered from work. I LOVE YOU ALL DEEP DEEP. Lol.

I should have woken up from this nightmare a long time ago. When everyone was constantly telling me I deserve better and the fact that I can do better than --------- (Something Bessy mentioned to Leong. Sorry, private joke.). Which was nothing but the truth. I deserve better. Because I've never been treated like this in my life. Maybe because I'm spoilt by my mum, Quek and others.

Love is sibeh blind ah but sex isn't because it tells you how your relationship is. It does. I've come to a point where I'm just plain speechless. Even vulgarities are too good for you.

"I'm on clearance sale. Anyone?"

Hung Up

Gave Zouk a missed even though its "We Love House" tonight, Queky's there and I didn't have to spend a single cent. I still cannot believed I gave Zouk a miss. Kind of proud of myself because since when did I ever give clubbing a miss?! Reckon I'm going to give Zouk a miss again later even though I promised Marilyn I would go with her. Probably going to get hell from her but I'm just in no mood to leave the house, much less club.

Deleted my previous angsty entry. I guess I just broke down after having a much needed talk with the best friend. Thank you dear for trying to get me out even though it was for clubbing. In fact, its the first time you're encouraging me to club. Haha. Love you Quekypoo.

I don't usually admit that I'm wrong but this time round everyone else is right except me. I need to get out of the house. Cooping myself up in the house is going to do more harm than benefit. Start going to school, getting back on track with lessons, doing what I do best, club like there's no tomorrow.

Okay I was kidding about the last part. Honestly, I've grown pretty bored with clubbing. Its always the same old crowd, same old music, same old after smell, same old nonsense. Although I wouldn't mind a ladies night at Momo or China Black. Alcohol and cigarettes are my buddies for now, when haven't they been anyway. Seriously, mambo is just a whole chunk of memories, same goes for China Black. Aiya, everything including the whole of Bedok Reservoir. Sorry, sidetracked a little.

Bloody Chan Bros has yet to pay me yet. Its already the 19th! Monday there's the educational trip and I haven't bloody paid. HOW? The money obviously would not miraculously appear in my account balance on Monday. I'm so screwed. So much for telling me they would bank it in by the end of this week. Knn.

At least I'm working in about 3 hours time. So I'll have money for a proper meal, cigarettes and transport for a day or two. I hope I'll survive until 1400 without any sleep but its nothing that I've never done so I know I will.

Thinking of going for mass later in the evening but Queky's busy with recee. I'm also planning to watch Harry Potter. Know what? Maybe I'll just go alone, if I manage to muster the courage to go out alone. Okay, I won't. I just remembered the last time I went out alone depressed, I ended up crying and walking the streets of Orchard.

I guess everything is going back on track bit by bit. It maybe a little slow but at least something's moving. Quek pretty much knocked some sense into my hollow head. Telling me that it's not worth it, what's the point blah blah. I guess I just need someone who dares to really scold me. Any takers? Because other than my family the only 2 people who actually dare to scream at me would be Marilyn and ironically her. -frowns-

Quek's pretty disappointed that I ended up like that. I guess most people are. Like the previous 2 screw ups, the last person you would think of would be me. I've never had such bad withdrawal symtoms from a relationship. My enemies must be saying, "KARMA bitch. Karma found its way to you this time." But has it occurred to anyone that maybe I'm just tired of pretending to be strong? Or maybe this is really who I am deep down. I'm no hard hearted bitch that I seem to be, in fact, I'm just like every single one of you.

With Christmas coming in about a month, it also signifies the end of the year. Year 2005, this would be one year that I'll always remember. Which reminds me, I'm going to end up spending Christmas alone. After so many years, this would be my first Christmas alone. No pretty presents, no kisses under the mistletoe. So much so I know what's on my wishlist already this year. Just 1 simple wish, I don't ask for anything else.

To Queky, Leong, Ryl, Marilyn, Maye and those who showed me concern in any way. Whether is was smses, trying to get me out of the house, clubbing, advice or anything. Thank you for everything. I'll be fine. I just need a little more time. Love you all. (:

To You. This time around, the story of the boy who cried wolf has finally come to an end. Up till this very day, I do not know whether you meant it when you told me that you didn't love me anymore. To make things easier for myself, I choose to believe that you did, since you made everything so clearly in our last conversation. Although something deep down inside tells me you didn't, then again I could be in denial like I've always been. Now I'm finally facing reality like it is and obviously it isn't easy but I would like to thank you for everything. The smiles, laughter, scoldings, hugs, kisses, tears and everything alike. You have truly taught me a lot in the short (almost) 4 months. I know it wasn't an easy decision for you and neither was it an easy for me to come to terms with it. I just do hope that you made the right decision for the both of us because I obviously think otherwise. Whatever it is, I respect your decision. So do me a favour, meet me by the end of next week so we can clear our belongings and put a final closure to it. For now, good luck and thank you. I love you.

"I'm done with crying, but I don't know how to stop"

Eeyore

I'm sure everyone knows Eeyore the donkey from Winnie the Pooh and Friends. That lil blue donkey with a kite string for a tail. Moping all day long all because of his tail, going: "Oh no~".

I've been feeling like Eeyore the past few days and I'm sick and tired of moping about. Seriously sick and tired of it. I've lost interest in school, friends and what nonsense you can think of. To be honest, I didn't turn up for a single tutorial this week. Went for one measly lecture and that was it. I know I'm going to be killed by a lot of people by making this confession but I don't really care anymore.

Clubbing isn't helping much either. All the alcohol and couples just makes me barf and feel worse. Then again, I didn't want to go. Marilyn, Ryl, Jerms and I don't know who else were begging me like hell especially my 2 girls because it would be their last mambo till school ends.

Mambo-ing was just bleah. I was just totally not in the mood at all. Came home to reveal a disgusting looking fist sized bruise on my right thigh. All for a $2 note I saw laying about on the dance floor while I was up on the podium. No, I did not fight with anyone. Almost did, but I didn't. Drunkards are just such a public nuisance seriously.

Project meeting at noon tomorrow. Seriously I just want to stay home in my bed for the rest of the week but I will not. I think I've had about enough being like some zombie grieving about death when its already dead for nothing or rather for something that will never happen or even someone who doesn't give a flying shit whether I'm dead or alive.

Seriously, I just refuse to leave my house because every fucking thing I see, hear or even smell reminds me of her in one way or another. Mambo (because we were supposed to mambo next week and especially the damn music), my bloody bus stop, the table and chairs at my void deck, stray cats (I don't know why but I think it has to do with Bobby), Next menthol cigarettes, Tampines Mall, Harry Potter (Now there's no one to watch with me) and the list just doesn't fucking end.

Believe it or not I have yet to unpack from my Batam trip. I just refuse to. Everything is just in my Ripcurl duffel bag lying on my room floor. I want to get over it and move on but I don't really know where to start. I know its over and there's no chance of it coming back, I just need some time and I'll be fine or at least I think so.

"Rid me of your scars"

Craig David - Don't Love You No More (I'm Sorry)

For all the years that I've known you baby
I can't figure out the reason why lately
you've been acting so cold (didn't you say)
if there's a problem we should work it out
so why you giving me the cold shoulder now
like you don't want to talk to me girl (tell me)
okay I know I was late again
I made you mad and dinners thrown in (the bin)
but why you making this thing drag on so long (I wanna know)
I'm sick and tired of this silly game
don't think that I'm the only one here to blame
it's not me who's been going round slamming doors

That's when you turned and said to me
I don't care babe who's right or wrong
I just don't love you no more

Rain outside my window pouring down
what now, you're gone, my fault, I'm sorry
feeling like a fool cos I let you down
now it's too late to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I've made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
you made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more

I know that I've made a few mistakes
but never thought things would turn out this way
doesn't make sense to me now that you're gone (I see it all so clearly)
me at the door with you in a state
giving my reasons but as you look away
I can see a tear roll down your face

That's when you turned and said to me
I don't care babe who's right or wrong
I just don't love you no more

Those simple words hit so hard
they turned my whole world upside down
girl you caught me completely off guard
on that night you said to me
I just don't love you no more

Like It Used To Be

Okay. I think I've had it with staring at the screen for the past hour when all I could do was feel the trickle of tears down my face. I'm gonna take a walk downstairs and continue with this later.

---

*update: 1709 hours.
Went downstairs to stock up on the much needed instant noodles. Which reminds me, I haven't eaten anything for the day. Oh well, shall wait till the hunger pangs strike.

I weighed myself yesterday. Woohooo. Lost another 2 kgs in about 2 weeks. How do I do it? Like Leong says, depression's the word baby. At this rate I'm going, its going to be druggie look alike Andrea soon. I will skin the next person who complains that I'm too skinny. I think I'm just fine. Nonsense.

Projects have been piling up like a mountain. 2nd week and already 3 submissions. At least I can take a break and focus on my individual reports when everyone's gone for the educational trip. I don't know if its just me or the stress is already getting to me. Fuck, its like week 2 and I'm going to explode. I do not want to imagine the week after next week.

I guess its always easier to tell others what to do but when it comes to doing it yourself, you can't. Like I used to tell Leong, you deserve better than xxx, stop reading her blog and other explicit details I will not reveal in case the great lawyer decides to sue me. I think back about the things I said but now, I can't bring myself to practice what I preach.

Then when you need that particular someone to just listen to you, to lean on her and cry like there's no tomorrow, she's not there. Friends come and go, that I know very well. We're all adults or almost adults now, everyone has their own problems and own lives to live. So you know what, when you decide you're free enough for me and my sob stories, drop me a message.

The age gap. It's just a bunch of fucked up numbers of reality. We talked about it right from the start but it never seemed to work out the way we planned for it to be. Then again, nothing ever goes the way you want it.

Everytime my phone rings, I dread looking at the screen. Then again, its always my 2 girls (Marilyn and Cheryl) asking where I am, project mates or my dearest mother (Somehow, I think she knows that something is wrong).

Of course something is wrong you idiot (I'm scolding myself). Locking myself at home, taking ages to reply messages, not answering phone calls. Believe it or not, I even skipped my appointment with the psychiatrist. The last thing I need now is to talk to a shrink who has based everything on that one incident.

Next week is going to be worst. With everyone at Dubai and Leong busy with exams. I don't know how I'm going to pass time. Now I wished they hadn't cancelled lessons at least I would have something to do in the day.

I just don't understand why things turned out this way. I don't understand why you can't see it the way I do. I don't understand what's even going on anymore. Maybe I just don't want to understand it all because I'm a naive delinquent.

"Can you love me like it used to be?"

Something Stupid

I've never felt more stupid in my life, seriously. I ignored all the signs, ignored my gut feeling (which has never failed me), ignored all the advice given by friends and continued on being stupid.

Now its finally over. I'm glad to a certain extent that it is over at least. I can stop keeping everything to myself and be who I really am, do what I really want and say what I really want. Stop getting paranoid and being paranoid for that matter.

Somehow there still seems to be a glimmer of hope left. Maybe I'm just delusional. This is just like the boy who cried wolf. I don't know what to believe anymore.

"You and I walk beside each other day after day, but there's so much inside me, I never get to say"

Sun Kissed Bitten

Back from Batam this afternoon. The usual lazing about the hotel compound, sleeping and just relaxing.

Spent the Saturday morning tanning. From 0930 to 1530 and I'm mother fucking suffering right now. Back, shoulders and face hurt like hell. The mummy helped me to apply lotion and I almost fainted from the pain. Vision went blur and everything was just spinning.

Other than the horrible sun burn which all of us got (Stacy, Jen, The Gf and I), everything was good. Next time round, I want to go for the SPA! No more tanning for a very long time. -scared-

Bought a whole carton of maggi mee. Wanna how cheap please. 40 packets for 45,000 Rupiah. Which is about few cents per packet. Muahahaha. The stock will prolly last my family a month or two. -beams-

Thank you to the gf for taking me on this trip. ((:

"There's something I need to know"

Mambo Jambo

Woah~~ Square room~~~ Woah~~ Square room~~~

Wahahahaha. Okay. That's excessive mambo-ing. Shush. For the first time I stayed at Zouk for such a long time, normally I'm permanently parked at Phuture till closing. Shush. Like what the guys say, "Hapspening ah!". Next round of Mambo, I'm bringing the gf, Stacy and Jen. Then we can all go crazy. -laughs-

The night was good. Everything was good till about 0400. Drama unfolded. Shan't talk about it but those who were there would know. What's with boys and their testosterone? -shakes head- Headed for prata with Nel, James and Fan after that as I was starving. Hurhur.

It just occurred to me that the workload this semester is so heavy even though we only have 4 HTM modules. I reckon every project is FYP standard since we're already seniors. Then again, are those projects even considered as FYPs?

Will be doing the Sentosa Project 2 for Consultancy Project Management. Yay! Sentosa passes for us! So we can enter the island for free to do "research". Hurhur. Then again, its such a serious project, it would just mean more late nights on msn with Charlene and the other groupmates. -pulls hair-

Now its back to the individual proposal for CPM, noting down datelines and packing for tomorrow.

"I'm happy. Are you?; Paranoia"

Week 1 of Week 38

Week 1 of school has officially come to an end for me. -beams and hops around- Honestly, the timetable is pretty relaxed, hopefully allowing me more time to concentrate on the 4 modules excluding APEL3 (which is obviously a waste of our time). It was nice going back to campus. One thing I have concluded, I'm old already. Everytime Marilyn and I climb the steps, we'll end up stopping halfway and panting. Sheesh.

Seeing datelines after datelines got me a little stressed and worried about how I'm going to finish everything in time. For the first time I found the lecturers going a tad bit too fast for me to take down notes, side effect of not going to school for almost half a year.

Everything is going pretty well. Hopefully it stays that way. Tonight it's "Woah~~~ Square Rooms~~" and Friday to Batam! -double beam-

"Set adrift on memory bliss of you"

Karma

What goes around, comes around. This damn cliche phrase is probably a truth within itself that everyone experiences once in their lives. This year alone, I've screwed up so many times till I have lost count. Major screw up twice and trust me, twice is more than enough.

Let's see, I got fired from my previous internship company and almost got myself kicked out of school, attempted suicide, sleeping problems got worst, screwed up idea of relationships and clubbed like there was no tomorrow when I was single and the usual nonsense.

The last time I met Bessy, she mentioned that now she knows how it felt like to be in my shoes when I was with her, the silence torture. I told her I know how it felt like to be in her shoes, the "submissive". We laughed about karma.

We both love our respective partners very much although it took awhile getting used to switching "roles". At least that statement was made by me. I have always been the dominant half in the relationship with all my nonsensical demands. Now I'm not saying that Jacy has nonsensical demands but she is the fiercer one this time round.

My point is, KARMA. Okay no, that's part of my point but not the whole point. My point is, is love really everything? Truthfully, it isn't. Been there, done that so I know. If that is so, why am I finding so hard to let go?

Is it because I'm not the one who's giving up? Or is it because I know I've been the one screwing up? Or is it because I've fallen so hard this time without even realising it? Or is it because I haven't truly been myself for the past 7 months? Or is it because I can't handle that fact that I'm being dumped? Maybe, it's as simple as I've given so much, its a waste to let it go.

Whatever the reason may be, whatever the ending turns out to be, happiness is when you see your loved one happy. I will let go. When I'm able to handle that, I will.

"Everything means nothing if I ain't got you"

Oh Shut Up Already

ROAR. Yes, Andrea the Tigress roars. Okay, just pretend you didn't see the first line. Feeling a lil cranky and off my rockets now.

I want to complain. Okay I know I complain excessively but this needs to be complained. Not that I'm expecting anyone do anything about it. Now look here and concentrate.

Why are all my Tourism girls in the same class EXCEPT ME. What the fucking hell. I don't want to be alone. Ryl, Chy, Marilyn, Mel and Dele are all in the same class. AND I'M NOT WITH THEM. I don't want to end up having fucked up project mates that give me panic attacks in the middle of the night or having to edit atrocious work all through the night. I WANT MY GIRLS. Hopefully there would be a smoking kaki at least. Ling, Jasmine, Kailing or Jaja. If not, I'm really dead.

Okay done. Now, to make this easy, if your tutorial group for APEL3 is T20 please leave me a damn comment and give me some motivation to attend lectures and tutorials because I half want to stay home when I think about the lecturers and the possible "will make me puke blood till I die" classmates.

"Mumble, grumble"

Jitter Bugs

-pulls hair, nose, eyebrows, ears- Oh my god. I repeat, Oh My God. I am going to faint from an anxiety attack right now. Okay, I'm going to cut the dramatics and continue.

So anyway, 2 days ago I was chatting with Ah Fan and Sus on MSN. I don't know who but one of them mentioned something about a proposal being due on the 14th of this month. Something with relations to Consultancy Project Management. I brushed it off thinking it was the mini project for our SIP portfolio.

I just read Mel's blog and realised that its a whole separate project. The individual proposal is due on the 14th! Which is in 2 weeks time and also the day after I return from Batam! -panics- I still have yet to do closure e-Journal 6 and the mini project. Now this?!

Why is everything so last minute?! Bloody school. Timetable will only be out on the 4th. Which is 3 days before school reopens. Here last minute, there last minute. I'm sure the school would like more of us admitted into the hospital.

---

*update: 1451 hours.

My doubts about the individual proposal has just been cleared by Mr. Britney Spears, Jermaine. Thanks a million Jerms! I was just stressing myself out over nothing. I'm so nonsense.

I don't know what to do with you anymore. I really don't. I've tried and I'm still trying. But then again, there's no try in your dictionary.

Your intentions are good yes. What you've said in the past few days hurt, they hurt because its the truth. Everything seems like a mistake, every honest truth I tell you. I tell you that I don't want to Zouk due to money constraints, a whole load of chunk comes out.

You're telling me what you told me because you've been there and done that. But has it occurred to you that maybe sometimes people have to learn it the hard way? I don't want that to happen but some of it already has. I learnt it the hard way.

Every day is a learning process. Every relationship is a learning process. Whether the ending is sweet or bitter, thank you for all the lessons taught, thank you for the love and concern. Maybe a 19 year old just can't catch up with a 26 year old. Just maybe.

I'm not giving up. Not just yet. Unless you give up first.

---

*update: 1606 hours.

Everything's going to be all quiet again. Like it was 3 months ago. Or maybe just pure mayhem it was 3 months ago. Alcohol, laughs and friends. Either way, I'll have to choose my path and I'm going with the latter.

Its going to take awhile. At least school's back next week. More computer lab camp outs, snoozing in the canteens, smoke breaks at the reservoir and running for buses, screaming for Quek on the phone to get her ass over from Design to Business block, walking in late for lectures, refusing to climb the stairs and wait for the lift even when I'm late, yummy lunches at Mensa with the gang.

I will not cry, after today that is. Now, to town with the best friend.

"SWAY"

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Sheesh. Want to how accurate this test.

---

Met Leong in town earlier. Spinelli's, camera whores, cigarettes and heart to heart talks. ((:
Andrea joined us shortly, and no I am not talking about myself as a third person. Leong's friend, Andrea Ng joined us. Shortly after, the Quek came waddling along.

I've been thinking. There are certain things I need to fix, certain things to clear, certain things to say, before everything is too late. I've obviously not been myself and it finally dawned upon me why.

The last person that everyone thought would attempt suicide would be me. "Andrea's a strong girl, she'll be fine." Like I always say, I'm fine and always will be fine. LIES LIES LIES.

Because sometimes, keeping everything to yourself is better. Reduces the misunderstandings or perceptions people have about you. Since when did I care about people's perceptions right? It gets tiring after years of being misunderstood. It get weary and draggy, huge pain in the ass.

Then sometimes, no one can help because there are no answers. Then after 3 years, you finally lose it.

I'm sick of being nice, civil, polite and what have you but if I go back to my KC days, people deem me as mother fucking childish 19 year old. So what? Hang in there for another 3 years and break down then again? This time probably really making sure I end up dead.

Every single time I tell you I am fine, I am lying. For now, I'm not fine. So don't bother asking if I'm fine because I am not. There's your answer so now fuck off.

If anyone wants to thinks that I was stupid, you've never been so right. That I was irresponsible, selfish and immature, strike TOTO also not so accurate.

If anyone thinks I did it because to attract attention, I can't stop you from thinking what you want. You don't know what its like to be me and likewise I don't know what its like to be you. I had my reasons. Valid or invalid, they were MY reasons.

I'm tired. I drift in and out of sleep everyday. The insomnia has never been so bad. Head hurts, back hurts. Lifelessly wandering about. The only way is to cry myself till fatigue kicks in. Every single night.

I Fear

Waking up to the familiar sights, sounds and smells is always ever calming and soothing. The gf's bleary eyed look, sounds of either the radio or television and the smell of the adorable Bobby.

I fear waking up to an empty house. When either my brat sister is still out from partying the night before, when my mum and her boyfriend has gone to work. Walking around aimlessly the house, figuring what's going to happen for the rest of the day.

I used to enjoy the freedom I get when I'm alone. Blasting my music, smoking in the hall, walking around half dressed. Now, I'm just scared.

I fear losing the best friend; Queky, the gf; jacy, the 2 angels; Chy and Ryl, the glam queen; Marilyn; the nonsense clique in school; Jem, Shaun, Joseph, Brian, Trev, Jo, Becks, Keke; the brat sister; Amanda Panda; the naggy mother; Ah Mi; the cow shit; Leong, the other ex; Bessy.

I fear loneliness. Who doesn't? You must be a hermit if you don't and I'm sure you won't be reading this.

I fear Octopus and Lizards as well. -laughs-

"P.S. I Love You All"

When The Rainbow Never Appears

3 days and 2 nights. Sounds like some chalet or holiday. Yes, some kind of holiday it was at CGH. Food sucked, environment sucked, room mates sucked even more. I have no one to blame but myself, I signed up for the damn package.

The charcoal was plain gross, caused me to vomit non stop like the merlion on the first day. Dozed in and out of sleep due to the fatigue but in total I barely clocked 10 hours of sleep in 3 days. Drip was just a nuisance, made me crippled to the bed for the first day, not that I had any strength to get out anyway.

The ward mates were fine. Just mother fucking noisy in the night. The insomnia already kept me up, they decided to gang up and all make noise all at once at about 3am yesterday. I got fed up at 5am as I was really tired and had not even napped in the day so I requested for sleeping pills. The yellow lil thing worked wonders, I was dead to the world.

I would like to thank all who visited. Stacy, Jen, Faiz, Kak, Sel, Leong, Bess, Chy, Ryl, Marilyn, The Gf and Queky. Thank you all for taking time out of your busy schedules. I'm sorry for the mess I made. Love you all dearly.

To my mum - I'm sorry for what I did. It probably hit you the hardest. It pains me to see you so tired and worn out. I'm sorry. I love you.

To my sister - Bad example. Do not EVER attempt to follow or anything along those lines or I will skin you alive before you even attempt. I love you too. Study hard for O's. Hospitality and Tourism Management okay? -grins-

To The Gf - You and Marilyn are probably the only two that woke me up with the scoldings. I'm sorry for the pain and hurt I have caused. Thank you for not abandoning me when I need you the most. I love you.

To The Best Friend - Thank you my Quekypoo for visiting me everyday without fail. For teasing me about my unglam look (read: ugly hospital uniform, attached with the drip and messed up hair). I'm sorry I made you doubt your ability as a best friend. You've been the best best friend that no one can ever ask for. I love you too. -hugs-

To Myself - Andrea, you've been the biggest moron in the whole wide world thinking no one cared, no one loves. Even if the universe doesn't believe you, you didn't have to prove it to them this way. Even if no one cared and no one loved you, you should love yourself. I'm sorry to myself and to everyone who cared and love.

Ponstans and Paracetomols, not a good experience. The only thing I liked were the needles, sadistic but I like needles.

"Nobody's Home / Fall To Pieces"

Dark Clouds

Everything has been a whirlpool of sorts lately. I don't know why and I don't know what but something feels strangely amiss. Or rather, something bad seems to be creeping around my back, just waiting for the right time to scare the fuck out of me.

Insomnia's back since 2 nights ago and I'm not feeling really fantastic emotionally. Its either my insomnia making me depressed or the depression making me lose sleep. Any way, it's killing me silently like some sort of cancer.

If it's going to continue, I'm going to get my family doctor to prescribe me either some Prozac or some Valium. Either to cure that depression that strikes me every 2 months or that insomnia that strikes me every other 2 months respectively.

The nightly monsoon rains that we're getting here in Singapore ain't helping much. I just want to cuddle under my covers and fall into deep sleep but the damn lighting and thunder just won't let me (Yes I am scared okay).

Shall just try to focus on the database report (which I am very far behind) and finishing up the internship proper.

Maybe you can tell me what is wrong? Not you. Yes you.

"The sound of nature; wind howls and rain taps"

Burn

Fever two days in a row. I reckon like the gf says, I'm burnt out already.

I'm pretty screwed cause I am so far behind in my mini project. I reckon next week onwards, I'll be burning the midnight oil with my coffee, cigarettes and Microsoft.

10 more working days and I'm done. Meanwhile, back to the pills till it's finally over.

"Take my hand and walk me home"

Mindless

Random.

Medical Certificate; Flu Virus.

Temasek Polytechnic Library; 1700 - 1900 hours.

Now; Insomnia.

"I like popping pills"

Patience Is A Virtue

On site at Raffles City Convention Centre yesterday at 1400 hours. I don't know why they asked me to go down so early because there was basically nothing to do so early. After killing time by going downstairs to Ya Kun with Eileen and Diana and checking out the ballroom setup, we went up to the complimentary hotel room.

The view on the 34th floor was pretty spectacular. The girls started changing and doing their make up, I was pretty much done with my make up already so all I had to do was change. Sat at the balcony alone and did a little thinking.

Around 1700 hours, the guys came up to change so all the girls left. Walked about downstairs and even contemplated to go buy something to eat because I was starving and dinner only starts at 2000. At 1745, guests started streaming in for the cocktail reception and that was when my headache started. Reckoned it was because of the stress level and the massive amount of people that amounted to my headache.

By 2000 when all the guests and staff were seated, Martin and I were still running around (literally in my heels). Gobbled up my starter (which was rather delicious lobster with like sweet and sour sauce thingy) and continued running around doing head count.

After that, finally was able to sit down and eat proper. By that time the stress level was so high, I downed a total of 7 glasses of white wine in 3 hours. I guess cause I was stressed or something, the 7 glasses had zero effect on me. Dinner finally ended with the lucky draw (Knn, I would not even have minded the Jetstar airticket to BKK or HKG, much less the pair of Business class return tickets to Istanbul my boss won).

Mayhem continued after the dinner, settling the bills and what nonsense blah. Went back to the hotel room, changed and headed to the 70th floor for New Asia Bar. It was boring and a waste of my time but I had no choice. I was tired and suffering from a intense headache.

Downed my Chivas with Coke in 30 minutes and said I was really tired and left before they could shove another glass of Chivas at me. By that time it was almost 1am. They continued on to Bar None for more drinks. -shakes head- Older than me also got more stamina then I do. Maybe because they didn't have to help at the reception and run around during the dinner.

As of today, I officially have caught a cold or a flu because my head still hurts like mad, I feel extremely lethargic and my nose cannot stop leaking. I just feel like breaking down to cry. This corporate world is so not for a young girl like me. 2 more weeks Andrea, just 2 more weeks.

"When it all falls down, what are you to do?"

Don't Cha

Half the department is not in the office today as they are on site preparing for tonight's corporate dinner. That explains me surfing the internet, "sneaking out" to buy Wanton Mee for breakfast and blogging. Heh.

Setting up on Friday was quite an eye opener though half the time I was just sitting around waiting for suppliers to arrive. Met the gf and after that headed to Crystal Jade for dinner and continued to roam about Esplanade.

The travel fair on Saturday was pretty boring, just the usual redemption counter duties. So I ended up counting down the hours till I saw my darlings. (:

Finally left Suntec Convention Centre at 2230 hours, Martin gave me a lift to town then I met Quekypoo, Cow Shit Leong, Qian Hui (Don't know how to spell her name but she's one of Quek's ex-es. Like I'm not. Lol.) and my dearest Glam Queen Marilyn.

Saved money on cover as Marilyn signed me in but splurged twice the amount of cover charge on a jug of Whiskey Dry. The irony. So anyway, we were just lounging about the VIP area talking nonsense and drinking then we decided to head for the dance floor/podiums.

Then there were these 2 I seriously don't know what to call them. Okay, Fatty and friend hogging the platforms. They were like dancing non-stop on the platform for about an hour or so. I was basically impressed with their stamina and laughed with the rest at their "Mambo" dance moves.

They finally got off the platform when the glam queen aka Marilyn got fed up with their hogging and asked them "Is it my turn yet?" HAHAHAHA! Omg, it was hilarious. Even the gf laughed when I told her about it. -sniggers-

For the umpteen time, I am not Ah Lian okay. I just happen to like house (and a FEW techno) music, that does not make me Ah Lian. -glares at Quek-

Quek and Leong were waiting for Don't Cha by Pussycat Dolls for some what reasons. When the song finally came, it was sooooo long, I thought it would never end. HAHA. It was good though, managed to drag Quek on the platform. Hurhur.

So the party poopers, Quek, Leong and Quek's ex left around 0215. Leaving me with Marilyn dancing away on the platform. -wriggles butt- I finally left at 0300, met Quek at the bus stop and 65M-ed back to the gf's place. Met the gf at the bus stop for prata, headed back to her place and concussed. Spent the whole Sunday sleeping in. Perfect weather. (:

Heading down to Westin at 1400. Darn corporate dinner.

Queky - You confirmed going to Zouk next Friday? I wanna go too! But I can't. No more clubbing for me till internship ends. Had fun with you. See you SOON okay? And I mean SOON! Love you!

Leong - Hey darling. Technically the last time we clubbed together was almost a year ago. Had fun with you as well. Give me a call anytime you need me okay? Love you loads. Meet up soon. -hugs-

Marilyn - Don't know if you would read this but I miss you terribly already! Just 2 more weeks till we're back on campus. I can't wait for our smoking sessions at the reservoir and by that time, we would be able to club with the rest properly and not worry about work the next day! Love you. Give me a call if you need to talk to someone okay? -hugs-

"What a beautiful smile"

Hustle For Me

I am so busy so this is going to be a short post. Blogging for a specific reason but before we get to that, let me just blog randomly.

Tomorrow or rather today (since its already 0100) is going to be one hell of a day for me. I will be in-charge of overseeing the moving process of all items to be brought to Suntec Convention Centre for the travel fair on Saturday and Sunday.

Seriously crazy. Why so? Because I will be the one and only one overseeing the whole thing and the one and only one to be at Suntec to guide the movers and set up the Marcoms "counter". -pulls hair-

I know it sounds menial and pretty easy but when the company is so big and they have so many departments and sub-departments, it is pure madness. Plus, I am going to be alone. -cries-

Plus the mini project is driving me nuts. I'm beginning to feel the stress of school projects again. Sadistically, I like it. - sadistic smile- It's obviously not helping that later in the day I will be so busy, Saturday I've got to be at the travel fair and Monday is the corporate dinner. Anyway, back to the specific reason to why I am blogging.

Attention all Temasek Polytechnic, School of Business Students. Who still has their Microsoft Access textbook used for Year 1's, Computer System Applications (CSA in short)? I need it badly for my project. So if you still have it, please leave me a comment or send me a sms if you know me personally (and you have my new number). I really need it urgently. Thanks.

"Breaking down inside, slowly"

The 24 Hours Of A Day

In a day, there are 24 hours.
In 24 hours, there are 1, 440 minutes.
In 1, 440 minutes, there are 86, 400 seconds.

Okay, I believe you get my point. Now, my other point is, the damn 86, 400 seconds/ 1, 400 minutes/ 24 hours is not sufficient!

See, an average human, spends about 8 hours a day sleeping, another 8 hours either at work or at school, that leaves us with another 8 hours. Say an average of 3 hours for communicating from one place to another and another 3 hours for meals and visiting the toilet to bath, poop, pee and what other nature calls one has to answer. Kapoop! There goes the 24 hours. (At least that is my perspective of an average Singaporean)

As kiasu and kiasee Singaporeans, parentals will send their children for all sorts of "enrichment" classes; classical ballet, organ, classical piano, speech & drama, abacus, art, you name it, we've got it. Not forgetting to mention tuition classes to keep up with the ever "changing" education system in Singapore; english, math, science, general paper and even pre primary school.

I mean, if your child has no "talent" to study or play the piano means no "talent" okay? No matter how many other "enrichment" classes you send the poor child to, he/she will not improve (except for miraculous cases). So spare the poor kid from the mental stress and let him/her enjoy his/her childhood like our parents used to; prancing around the kampong playing hopscotch or what games.

The Gahmen everyday other day encouraging people to get married and for the women to get pregnant. Extra baby bonus, more maternity leave yada yada. First things first, working adults have no time to have sex. Okay, maybe not no time, but no energy! Day in, day out work work work our butts off.

So what if the Gahmen has already implemented a 5 day work week? Most local (ching chong) SMEs make sure they work their employees till 44 hours gao gao and pay them 44 hours on the dot. Work work work, where got strength and energy to have sex?! No sex, how to have babies?!

After work, have dinner, rest awhile watching tv then go sleep already. If not, bickering with their spouses due to stress faced at work, quarrel and fight then divorce. No babies again. The high living standards of Singapore does not make things better. It takes a lot of money, time and mental health to bring up one kid (everyone has been a child, I'm sure you know what I mean by mental health), who so free? Daddy and Mummy both working, mana wu xi gan?

I realised I have digressed a lot from what I was initially planning to blog about. It is not about making babies, it is about the insufficient 24 hours for a fast paced society like Singapore.

Even as an intern, I am feeling the "Wake up, go to work, go home and sleep" cycle of a working adult. I miss time spent with my best friend terribly, I miss my girls in school, I miss towning blah blah. Even when the gf and I meet for dinner, its always around our place; Tampines, Bedok or Eunos. Both knackered from the 8 hours at work, the consistent headaches and the stress.

Which explains the lack of blogging, not to even mention going online to chat on mIRC or MSN. With 3 weeks left to the end of internship, I am really running out of time. I am still waiting for Ms. Tan's approval to my Mini Project proposal before I propose it to my manager. Then there's the whole portfolio to do and the nonsensical environmental thing to include in it. Siao liao la.

Been so busy that it totally slipped my mind. This Saturday and Sunday there's the Chan Brother's Travel Fair, Monday, the corporate dinner, then Travel Roadshows (mini travel fair) all over Singapore everyweek. Tell me how?! -pulls hair-

"So much love, so little time"