Morality

Previously everything in life was pretty much fine and dandy, then in my usual "have to create some drama and fuck my own life up" style, I created drama and fucked my own life up.

Since ending Saturday night in a complete emotional break down crying wailing right outside Zouk, it's been going downhill ever since. And no, I was not drunk, I was perfectly sober although the extremely incriminating picture on Facebook makes it seem like I was, I wasn't. I was merely bending down to fix my heels. -growls at Zen and Jo-

Jo and Silly, I finally know how shit fucked up you guys felt when you were put in the position of having to choose between doing what you felt was right and doing what was morally wrong.

Yes I know, my morals in the first place aren't exactly saint like. For one, I'm lesbian. Completely against the law of nature and yada yada, what have you.

I've been going around the house the past few days in a daze. In fact, I didn't even dare to come online. It completely doesn't help that I do not have access to WoW. To me, WoW's an escape to reality and yes, I'm a neurotic closet nerd cum hermit who goes to the library weekly and play World of Warcraft, so fuck you if you don't like it. Oh yes, depression coupled with impending PMS (Am drinking Coke for breakfast, go figure).

Sleeping hours completely fucked upside down, back to square one situation. Which explains this entry at this hour, yes I haven't slept. When I do sleep, I fall into the strangest dreams, waking up abruptly 4-6 hours later, feeling the guilt and regret.

It's always too late to regret. Apologies at this point of time, are completely useless as well. I'm in a complete state of loss.

I have had my fair share of betrayal, lies and hurt for a lifetime. And I am sick of it. To me, honesty has always been the best policy but truth is, the truth hurts. It hurts so damn fucking badly. And sometimes, people just don't want to hear the truth.

All I can say now is, I'm sorry, I really am. I just hope that the past 6 years of friendship, will not go down to the drain like that. I know, I deserve it, but, you're one person, I don't want to lose. I admit, it was not my place to say or do anything and it's my fault. I don't blame you for being upset with me. I just truly hope, you see that, I did what I did because I love you. As cliche as it sounds, I wanted the best for you. It wasn't the best way to show my love for you nor was it my place to get invovled. Maybe one day, you'll forgive me, maybe you won't, I don't know, but for now, I'm sorry and I love you.

Lesson of the day: Learn when to shut your damn bloody mouth.

`Spinning: Jack Rokka VS Betty Boo - Take Off

Swine Flu Turns Left 4 Dead

Firstly, this entry is not exactly about Left 4 Dead. For those who do not know what Left 4 Dead is, it's pretty much exactly the same as Counter Strike AKA CS except that it's humans against zombies. If you still don't know what CS is, I suggest you go buy Gaming for Dummies or you just had no childhood what so ever.

Now Swine Flu, oh yes, we've heard so much about it and to be honest, as a Singaporean, we tend to be a teensy bit overconfident. At least I'm not exactly worried about the flu reaching us yet and I don't see anyone wearing masks all over the place except for the tourists.

But someone showed me a piece of really freaky news.

"Similar to a scare originally found in Cambodia back in 2005, victims of a new strain of the swine flu virus H1N1 have been reported in London.

After death, this virus is able to restart the heart of it’s victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believe to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during “resurrection.” "

Bahh. Zombies. A little too much for me even though I face them on almost a daily basis on WoW. But that's WoW, this is real life! -faints-

If you doubt my piece of news, check the link yourself. Would BBC write something so absurd?

I guess we could pray and wish hard that if zombies could exist, that vampires like Edward Cullen exist, and "Werewolves" like Jacob could too.Then Warlocks, Shamans, Mages, Warriors, Priests, Death Knights, Hunters, Paladins, Druids and Rogues (Yes I listed all the classes in WoW)may be possible even.

Hmmmm.

And yes, Happy 16th Monthsary my Silly. I love you very much and stop being such a poop ass okay? Hurhur. Or I will...DOT you to death. HAHAHA. I'm sorry Bei, I couldn't resist. At least I never silence you with Arcane Torrent. BWAHAHAHA. I know pretty much at this point, you have no idea whether to laugh or cry, but remember, THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME! -beams-

`Spinning: Nick Bliss - I Kissed A Girl

The Reclusive

It's been a long and quiet Labour's Day weekend. Ah Bay & Mummy has gone off to the Land of the Rising Sun AKA Japan, Nagoya more specifically to visit my Godma. So I'm stuck at home for the rest of the week because the extremely heavy duty of taking care of Lolly has fallen on me.

No, I'm not complaining. Doesn't bother me much honestly. Even when everyone is around, I'm home literally 5 days a week. It's like a full time job itself. Haha. Which brings me to something.

Some people actually find me weird. Weird in the sense that I can actually stay home 7 days a week for an entire month (Last known record). Silly even used the word "Reclusive" on me. Honestly, am I the only weird one who loves the idea of being a hermit? -shrugs-

Shan't explain myself because I don't see a need to or why I should because I don't care what people think. Love me or hate me, your choice, your life, not mine.

PS. Silly, The Reclusive reminds me of a quest at Dragonblight "The Reclusive Runemaster". You remember? ROFL. And, I do enjoy being a hermit, with you of course. (:

`Spinning: Lys - Speechless

Patterns

It's a Tuesday night and I am bored. As most would know by now, Tuesday nights are maintenance night for WoW. Thus the boredom. -yawns-

Birthday was oh so normal, like I expected it to be and glad it turned out that way. WoW-ed the entire birthday morning, watched ANTM online in the afternoon, dinner with the family and promptly knocked dead asleep at midnight.

In fact these days, I can barely hold out till 1AM. I know, I finally can sleep and get up at normal times like most normal people. -pats self on back-

Saturday, headed to Zouk after much persuasion. Had 1 Flaming Lamborghini and I was knocked out dead. No I wasn't drunk but very high and very sleepy. Which is the worst combination ever because when I'm close to drunk, all I want to do is sleep. So Silly dragged me home at 1AM. Hahaha. Epic fail I know.

Sunday, I went to the zoo zoo zoo, how about you you you? -lame- Anyhoos, I was awake at 8.15AM sharp, dragged Silly out of bed and gave Afi and Bessy the wake up call of their life. ROFL. Zoo could have been better if not because of the damn weather which showered here and there occasionally.

So I would say, the birthday weekend wasn't so bad after all. Just a teensy bit boring but I suspect that just comes with age. -mumbles-

Everything is getting so routinely perfect but sometimes perfection hurts. Bah. When it's bad, I complain, when it's good, I complain as well. Someone kick me already.

Suspect PMS is in the work. Feeling emo, grouchy, grumpy. BAH. I shall head to bed with my library chick lit.

`Spinning: Flo Rida Feat. Kesha - Right Round

22/23

In approximately 5 hours time, I turn 23, thus, I am in a foul mood.

Yes, I've never really enjoyed my birthday, but of course, I appreciate the efforts of people who make plans for me, being exceptionally nice to me etc because it's my day. But sadly, I rarely still enjoy it.

Something came up while Silly and I were chatting and it completely annoyed me. I'm not blaming you here Bei. I just find it annoying that people still talk about it.

Doesn't anyone get it? When I was with HER, I wasn't ME. So I did a lot of things that were out of character for me. And yes, throughout the years, I have changed, a lot. I maybe be a tad bit colder and much more cynical than I already was previously, so, live with it.

I don't like bringing up the past, because that past in particular, isn't something that I am exactly proud of. So I'd appreciate that people don't bring it up, not in front of me at least.

I'm happy where I am now, with Silly and that's all that matters to me.

PS. Happy Birthday to me.

`Spinning: Guru Josh Project - Infinity

Gold Dust Satin; The Trilogy

My.Shoes.Are.Here! And yes, title credits to Silly. Apparently, I have made my shoes into a blog trilogy. Hahaha. First post, before buying them. Second post, while waiting for it to arrive. Present post, I got them already!

Although I did sulk for an entire day when they first arrived because they're 1 size too big for me, all because, being my ditsy self, I tried them on without socks. I know I know, bimbo moment as usual.

They fit fine if I wear socks, probably would have to put insoles in them for an even better fit. I cannot wait to wear them for the weekend!

Enough bout my shoes, even though I thought they came at the perfect time. I've got news. I am going back to school. -grins-

Best time to go back to school with the job society taking such an impact from the recession. I've been looking for a job since Jan and till now, no luck. So I am going back to school.

Every thing's pretty much confirmed once I've decided which course/school and my loan and applications go through. -excited- I love school, I think.

`Spinning: Ne-Yo - Mad

Shoes Baby Shoes

Same old, everything's the same old same. Bah. So same old till I'm running out of things to blog about I swear.

Anyways, this entry is with regards to my previous entry.

I was so obsessed with the shoes, I went online and searched for them. Fred Perry's site had them but I found another pair that was even more desirable.



And yes, I ordered them. ETA, April. Omg, so long more. But aren't they beautiful? -beams-

On the other hand, it's mid March already, how time flies.

`Spinning: Freemasons Feat. Haz Fernandez - If

Buy Me Those Shoes

You know you desperately need a job when you're home almost 24/7 watching either Sex and The City or some random Korean drama series with your mother.

You know you desperately need a job when you walk pass Fred Perry and see the most beautiful pair of "Chuck Taylors" and can't decide whether to buy them or not because of your dire financial status.

You know you really really desperately need a job when after seeing the shoes, you see that Fred Perry is also hiring and it struck you that maybe, you should get a job there so you can get a discount on the shoes.

You know you really really really desperately need a job when after taking a cigarette break to decide whether you should ignore the monetary concerns and just buy the shoes and you decided to just whack and buy the shoes. THE SHOP FUCKING CLOSES 15 minutes earlier ON YOU.

BAHHH. I have gone bonkers.

Now, since my birthday is coming in, a month and 2 weeks or so, anyone wanna sponsor part of the shoes for me? Please tag, sms or call me if there are interested sponsors. I NEED THOSE SHOES DAMMIT!

PS. Silly need not apply. ROFL.

`Spinning: Paula DeAnda Feat. Bow Wow - Easy

Ummm Maybe

I procrastinate too damn much for my own good. I guess we all do procrastinate now and then but for me recently, it's become a lifestyle of sorts. Hah.

On a daily basis, I procrastinate on whether I should get out of bed or laze in for a little while longer. Usually, I end up doing the latter and fall straight back into lala land. And the list of things I procrastinate on, never ends.

It does get annoying after awhile. The procrastination, the waking up with absolutely nothing to do.

Some may say, I have a dream "lifestyle". I'm not working, with no income cept maybe when mummy gives me money now and then and I don't like taking money from her thus, I don't ask her for money. Silly pays for everything when we go out, I never get a chance to pay. -growls. Silly drives me around, I rarely need to take a cab, much less the MRT or the bus. All I do ever pay for is the occasional cab ride, cigarettes here and there (because my mum buys cigarettes for me at least once a week). I'm literally a tai-tai in training minus the shopping sprees.

But it is getting weary. I'm turning 23 this year and what have I accomplished? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 1-2 years ago, I could still make myself feel better by saying, I'm still young, got a whole life ahead of me etc, but now, that excuse is getting old, like I am.

All this cooping myself at home (I do it to stretch the lifespan of whatever money I have left and I honestly do enjoy being a hermit) with nothing to do is getting to me. I need to do something. I need to find my footing.

Thing is, how do I go about doing just that. Life sucks and then you die. Perfect.

Then the song on my iTunes now, which happens to be my favourite, can't be more appropriate. Sterophonics - Maybe Tomorrow. Maybe, just maybe.

`Spinning: Sterophonics - Maybe Tomorrow

Serendipity

Before Silly went to bed tonight, I was bored and asked her for suggestions on what movie I should watch. Then Serendipity came up and since it's her all time favourite movie and I haven't caught it yet and I was up for some lovey dovey gooey romance, I watched it.

For a person who believes in karma, fairies, affinity and love at first sight, Serendipity was beyond perfect.

I'm sure we all wonder from time to time, Is he/she the one? When am I going to meet my soul mate? And the list goes on. Sadly, at times, we pass our soul mates by, without noticing that they even went pass.

Is fate, destiny enough? Apparently not. Life's about taking chances and taking control to a certain extent. Will fate/destiny play a cruel joke on me like that someday? I truly hope not.

Love's as complicated as it is already. That's why, despite the dreams I have, I prefer taking control. At least that way, life wouldn't be so hard.

I guess it makes it easier when you're a cryptic as well.

I'm babbling, so please ignore me, it's the after effects of the movie.

`Spinning: Katy Perry - Thinking Of You

In Circles

Those who have been following my blog for at least a year, would know that every Valentine's Day, I dedicate an entry to trashing Hallmark and the grotesque things people do, only because it's Valentine's Day.

This year, I'll spare Hallmark and those guilty of only making an effort to do something special for their other half only because it is Valentine's Day.

I still believe you don't need a reason to put in extra effort just because it's Valentine's Day. Shouldn't everyday be special? -shrugs- This is my opinion of course.

And also, being the completely realist, and unromantic person I am. I squashed any plans Silly had to celebrate Valentine's Day.

I don't think I could stomach walking down Orchard Road, seeing couples all lovely dovey carrying $200bucks worth of flowers. Flowers, I don't even want to go there. Haha.

On another note, Silly gave me a surprise the other day. Yes, I don't like surprises because I wear my heart on my sleeves and I never want to hurt the people who put in so much effort in surprising me. Okay, I'm getting out of the point here but excuse me.

So, Silly surprised me, with one of my absolute favourites. The Tiffany 1837 Circles Ring. -beams- A girl can never have enough rings. J'adore rings. Haha.

Thank you Silly. Yes, say hello to your Agnes B specs soon. (:

Lastly, Happy Valentine's Day to all my loved ones, you know who you are. Single or attached, I don't care, I still love you guys. (:

`Spinning: Justin Timberlake Feat. T.I. - Dead & Gone

Eternal Damnation

So I caught Inkheart with Silly on Saturday because everyone else was out clubbing and I really didn't feel like clubbing.

Inkheart was okay. Nothing worth raving about, though the idea of a Silver Tongue completely fascinated me. For those who are not going to watch Inkheart, someone who has a silver tongue, is someone who is able to make characters in books come alive just by reading the book aloud.

And, I am fascinated for all the wrong reasons. Only because I wish someone would read the Twilight saga out to me and make it real. LOL. And no, not because I think Robert Pattinson is hot and I want him for myself.

It's the love that Edward and Bella has, has become some what of an obsession to me.

To me, they're like Romeo & Juliet but the mystical version. The love is so strong, so unreal but yet, each one of us, dreams of it. To fall in love with someone, completely head over heels and have the feeling returned.

Love till this day, is a complete mystery to me and I'm sure it will always be.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…"
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 13, p.274

`Spinning: Rihanna Feat. Ne-Yo - Hate That I Love You

Destination: Unknown

All's back to normal now. Cept for the fact that my eyes are still swollen from crying 6 hours straight last night.

I guess, it is worth one more shot, all because I realised, I still do love you. It hasn't been easy yes, but we'll try to work it out. If by then, it doesn't, then at least, we can look back and say, at least we tried.

For now, Happy 13th monthsary. ((:

`Spinning: Alex Gaudino Feat. Crystal Waters - Destination Calabria

I Don't Know

As I stood by my window, smoking and watching the stars (or rather, the lack of them), unknowingly, I look down, looking for your car.

This is as hard for me as it is for you. You've left traces all over my life and everywhere I look, you're there, smiling back at me.

This is going to haunt me, for awhile.

I don't even know how to go about picking up the pieces. It hurts so bad. So damn fucking bad.

Everytime I think about it, tears just fall.

We were lovers and best friends for the past 13 months. I will miss you. The good and the bad, I'll miss both.

I wish it never had to turn out this way, but it did.

I don't know if what I did was the right decision, honestly, I don't. Time will tell.

"It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realise that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I will be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna let
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice well you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is Imma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
yes I do
It'll all get better in time"

`Spinning: Leona Lewis - Better In Time

All I Can Say

I'm sorry that it had to end today, or rather, it had to end at all.

It wasn't working out, you and I both, know it. This I can say, I did love you. To a certain extent, I still do but it's never going to be the same.

I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say.

I'll be fine. I won't do anything stupid. This is a promise. From me to you.

I'm sorry.

`Spinning: Natasha Bedingfield - I Bruise Easily

I Will Be

Today, in a very long time (excluding the 2nd day of CNY), I got up before noon. I know, amazing how much I can sleep right?

And it has proven itself to be shitty. I'm not exactly feeling very well, physically that is, God only knows why. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. There's something wrong, but I don't exactly know what. Even if I do, I still prefer to pretend that I don't anyway. Life's a bit easier that way I guess.

When I finally got on 506 for a long bus ride from Bukit Batok to Bedok Resevoir, I felt a bit better. I like long bus rides alone, probably the rare few times where I get to be completely alone with my thoughts.

The moment the bus arrived at the east side, it started pouring. Like, raining cats and dogs. Seriously, of all days when I didn't bring an umbrella, it had to rain. When I'm not taking a cab, in Su's car but when I take public transport. Didn't help that I was in a super short cotton dress which would become see through in the rain and fly in all directions with the wind blowing. Thank God I bumped into mum's bf downstairs and he passed me his umbrella or I'd be so drenched.

Then I came home to another surprise. I am thoroughly annoyed, completely pissed off and what have you.

It has gone way pass ridiculous, in fact, it's getting childish. It was a damn misunderstanding, I'm a fucking girl, yet I can put it behind me and try to be nice and pretend nothing happened because I know both our egos are too huge to apologise to one another. So the best solution out is to pretend nothing happened.

Yet, you, who call yourself a guy, is unable to do the same. Men and their egos. So you wanna play hard ball with me, you've got it. I'm done, I'm done being nice.

Congratulations, you've won yourself a chance to see me be mean.

You know why it's ridiculous? Because I come back home to my own home for God's sake and have to see some one's black face throughout. And I can't get my mum involved because she'd probably take sides, not with me mind you.

This is why I hate coming home now. I absolutely abhor it. WoW was the only way to get me distracted, now, whatever.

I'm in one of those moods, where I don't really want to talk to anyone.

`Spinning: Leona Lewis - I Will Be

Took Silly out for her Birthday dinner at Bakerzinn, Paragon. The freaking Warm Chocolate cake is going for $4.90 at the moment! Omg, wanna how cheap?! Hahaha.

Caught Bride Wars after dinner, then met up with the usual suspects at Spins and continued our chilling at Acid Bar. Man, I've missed that place and their Cantonese Chicken Wings. Yummy.

I swear Silly is the girliest person around. First she's vain beyond words, secondly, she orders the girliest drinks. Pop My Lychee. Hahahahaahahaaha. While all of us were having beer and Jac, her mojito. It's okay, I still love you. (:

Tom yam steamboat tomorrow at Silly's place. Yes, yours truly is cooking. I literally do it once a year just for her birthday. Actually, more like I buy the stuff, the instruct her maid on what to do, and my job's done! -beams.

In advance, Happy 24th Birthday my Silly. Gawd, you're ALMOST half a century old! Hahahahaha. Anyway, yes, I love you. Stop saying that I don't. Haha. I know I'm not the most romantic person around, but THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME. -winks.

'Spinning: Jane Arden - Insensitive

Carousel

God. It's been months. I never left abnegation untouched for this long before I think. I know some busy-bodies actually still visit my blog just to kpo. -winks at Afi-

I'm fine, same old, 7KG heavier than I was a year ago. Hahahaha. It's 2009 and the 2nd day of CNY. Gong Xi Fa Cai to all, may you have a prosperous year ahead and like last year, here's wishing all gamblers to win LOTS of moolah. EXCEPT when you're gambling with me, please lose everything to me, thank you very much. -beams-

Apologise if I don't make any sense. Didn't have much sleep and gotta pull a all nighter tonight. I want to die already.

I WILL NOT talk about WoW this entry. Cause, ya, every entry has WoW in it somehow or rather. Hahahahaha.

God, I'm having so many sporadic thoughts. I'll just write whatever comes to mind.

Bessy has finally settled down, Su and I are very happy for her. No more emo nemo Bessy to deal with anymore. THANK GOD PLEASE. Kidding, we are truly happy for both of you. (:

And now, suddenly mind's blank. Not feeling exactly very fantastic, suspect its the lack of sleep. Mood swings going haywire.

I don't like to pretend, but sometimes, all the world's a stage. Some thing is wrong, some thing is missing, but again, I don't know what. I hate this. Bleeding sick carousel cycle.

I miss my Silly, a lot.

'Spinning: David Cook - Always Be My Baby

Happiness > Money

November is a month full of occasions, happy occasions that is but these happy occasions are burning a huge hole in my pocket.

4 birthdays, namely Jo's (9th), Mummy's (10th), Silly's Mummy's (11th) and Zen's (30th) and the BKK trip (14th - 18th).

Imagine the hole in my pocket.

But, despite the monetary losses, the happiness gained can never be compared.

On another note, Happy 10th Monthsary Silly! Yes, I love you. (:

`Spinning: Nelly Furtado - Say It Right

Changes

WoW is down. Which pretty much explains why I'm here. -mumbles- Could be a blessing in disguise though. Pretty much knackered from work thus with WoW down, I'd be having a early night, getting enough rest.

Was so sleepy at work today I emailed the rest and told them I was so sleepy that I could just fall asleep into a coma till 1800.

While emailing the usual suspects, I thought of something. People/friends grow apart because everyone changes as they grow older. You'd never expect the innocent one from 5 years ago to become the most scandalous one now. -cough-

But of course, some things never change. We are still who we are, of course, before we fall to the "dark side". -ahem-

Somehow I'm glad because I think, Silly has made me a better person. I think are the keywords here, because at least that's what I think of myself.

Thank you Silly, from saving me from the "dark side". Hahaha.

In WoW style, here's wishing everyone a Happy Hallow's End!

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment.
As I look around
I can't believe the love I see.
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt
That was then, this is my now.

`Spinning: Jordin Sparks - This Is My Now