Like It Used To Be

Okay. I think I've had it with staring at the screen for the past hour when all I could do was feel the trickle of tears down my face. I'm gonna take a walk downstairs and continue with this later.

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*update: 1709 hours.
Went downstairs to stock up on the much needed instant noodles. Which reminds me, I haven't eaten anything for the day. Oh well, shall wait till the hunger pangs strike.

I weighed myself yesterday. Woohooo. Lost another 2 kgs in about 2 weeks. How do I do it? Like Leong says, depression's the word baby. At this rate I'm going, its going to be druggie look alike Andrea soon. I will skin the next person who complains that I'm too skinny. I think I'm just fine. Nonsense.

Projects have been piling up like a mountain. 2nd week and already 3 submissions. At least I can take a break and focus on my individual reports when everyone's gone for the educational trip. I don't know if its just me or the stress is already getting to me. Fuck, its like week 2 and I'm going to explode. I do not want to imagine the week after next week.

I guess its always easier to tell others what to do but when it comes to doing it yourself, you can't. Like I used to tell Leong, you deserve better than xxx, stop reading her blog and other explicit details I will not reveal in case the great lawyer decides to sue me. I think back about the things I said but now, I can't bring myself to practice what I preach.

Then when you need that particular someone to just listen to you, to lean on her and cry like there's no tomorrow, she's not there. Friends come and go, that I know very well. We're all adults or almost adults now, everyone has their own problems and own lives to live. So you know what, when you decide you're free enough for me and my sob stories, drop me a message.

The age gap. It's just a bunch of fucked up numbers of reality. We talked about it right from the start but it never seemed to work out the way we planned for it to be. Then again, nothing ever goes the way you want it.

Everytime my phone rings, I dread looking at the screen. Then again, its always my 2 girls (Marilyn and Cheryl) asking where I am, project mates or my dearest mother (Somehow, I think she knows that something is wrong).

Of course something is wrong you idiot (I'm scolding myself). Locking myself at home, taking ages to reply messages, not answering phone calls. Believe it or not, I even skipped my appointment with the psychiatrist. The last thing I need now is to talk to a shrink who has based everything on that one incident.

Next week is going to be worst. With everyone at Dubai and Leong busy with exams. I don't know how I'm going to pass time. Now I wished they hadn't cancelled lessons at least I would have something to do in the day.

I just don't understand why things turned out this way. I don't understand why you can't see it the way I do. I don't understand what's even going on anymore. Maybe I just don't want to understand it all because I'm a naive delinquent.

"Can you love me like it used to be?"