Don't Push The Wrong Button

Taurus : April 21st - May 20th

You are generally quiet and have control over your emotions. It is difficult to predict what will upset you, so when you do lose your cool, people don't know how to react. Your temper is like that of a raging bull, and anyone trying to pacify you will be the first one to get a verbal bashing. You generally get upset when you are concerned or when people accuse you of doing something wrong. You also hate being reminded about mistakes you've made in the past. You also have the potential to be terribly vindictive if rubbed the wrong way.

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If anyone reading this blog realised anything, I'm getting lazier and lazier to blog because I know for a fact that "no one" reads this anymore! So now, I'm thinking twice about the whole password thingy. Maybe I'll just get another separate address to rant and rave like a mad woman and keep abnegation.blogspot the mad way it was.

Nothing interesting happening in my life. Been having this crazy headache that's been bugging me since Tuesday because I ran out of Ponstan and no other painkiller works for me! -grumbles-

Supp results will be out later and I'm damn hell freaking nervous. |:

I haven't been spending time with the baby since Monday and I miss her badly, very badly. How badly you'd ask? 99 badly.

I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ): I miss my baby. ):I miss my baby. ):

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*update: 1143 hours

Academic Status: COMPLETED COURSE OF STUDY FOR THE DIPLOMA IN TOURISM MANAGEMENT.

Omfg. I've graduated! -skips around the room-

"Inseparable, that's how we'll always be."

Anywhere is no where without you

Look into my eyes - you will see,
What you mean to me.
Search your heart - search your soul,
And when you find me there, you'll search no more.
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for.
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for.
You know it's true,
Everything I do - I do it for you.

Look into your heart - you will find,
There's nothin' there to hide.
Take me as I am - take my life,
I would give it all - I would sacrifice.
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for.
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more.
Ya know it's true,
Everything I do - I do it for you.

There's no love - like your love.
And no other - could give more love.
There's nowhere - unless you're there.
All the time - all the way.
You can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for.
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you.
Walk the wire for you - I'd die for you.


You know it's true;

Everything I do, I do it for you.


Filled with much love: Spencer

Not Going Anywhere

I thought through the reasons why I've kept this blog password protected. The most significant of all, I can finally allow my thoughts to run freely here once again. There's no need to exclude my inner most feelings anymore. I feel liberated.

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Fatigue from work knocked me out at 0600 but at 0900, a nightmare woke me up, in tears, yet again. I'm sick of this repeated imagery.

The nightmare was basically about her, her ex and her asking me to shut up in front of the ex. I know it doesn't sound all that bad but it still woke me up bawling.

It doesn't help that I have this splitting headache since yesterday that hurts so bad that I want to rip my head off. It also doesn't help that I'm working a full shift at Acid later and I've only had 3 hours of sleep.

Deep down, I've been secretly falling apart bit by bit. Maybe you just "fang bu xia" or somehow maybe, I'll never be as good as she was and maybe that's why you keep asking me to leave. I'd rather believe the latter, it makes carrying on my life a tad bit easier.

I've sacrificed so much. If I still lose you, I'd be left with nothing, nothing at all.

"Oh my pretty pretty boy I love you
Like I..
Never ever loved no one before you
Pretty pretty boy of mine
Just tell me you love me too
Oh my pretty pretty boy I need you
Oh my pretty pretty boy I do
Let me inside
Make me stay
Right beside you"

Say The Magic Word

Congratulations to you if you managed to get thus far to reading this entry. Hah. So this is the first entry I'm posting after "protecting" my privacy with a java script. Hur. Doubt I'll need to justify why abnegation.blogspot's now password protected but I will anyway (though I know java scripts are darn easy to hack but what the heck).

I started out blogging purely out of curiosity then it obviously developed into some sort of obssession. I remember clearly with averaging only 40 hits a day, this has changed after 3 years of course. I average 500 hits daily now which I think is so damn ridiculous because I don't even know who reads the fuck I blog about and even people whom I don't even know their first/ second/middle names reads this shit.

I never liked status, fame or popularity or much less crave for them. I'm just sick of nosy parkers and maybe privacy is what I seek now. We'll see how long this blog stays password protected.

If you manage to hack into this shit, I'LL SAY YOU ARE GOOD. Happy reading.

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I am so mother fucking bored at home. Doesn't help that I'm broke and I can't head out even though I have dates. -mutters- Head's about to burst from a terrible headache.

Staying home without absolutely nothing to do is not good, it gets me emo. Fucking cheebye shit nonsense.

This entry's all random and incoherrent because I'm bored sick and I'm just feeling plain crabby. Argh.

I have this urge to put the names of people whom I can't stand at the moment and give my reasons why I don't like them but I won't because there is still a chance where morons will spend time hacking into this nonsense.

I'm just going to spend my day watching DVDs and not say a single thing to anyone. I feel like doing a disappearing act. I'm just so sick of everything.

I'm such a moron. I miss you so bad. Do you miss me too? Sometimes I want to slap you for being such a bastard but then I think twice and realise it's because you're such a bastard that's why I'm falling like a moron. ANDREA SHUT UP.

Note: I'm not exactly very sane.

"Love your enemies, it'll piss them off"

Sweet Surrender Is All I Have To Give

She's the sweetest because she came down all the way from the west at 0630 in the morning to meet me for breakfast at Bedok Interchange.

She's the sweetest because she allowed me to irritate her till about 1100 before I finally slept soundly next to her.

This can go on to another 99 Reasons to why she is the sweetest but I'll spare my blogders the mushy-ness.

It's the little things that make you fall deeper and deeper.

I'm scared just like you are. I don't want the moments to end. Yes, words are beautiful but I'll continue proving these words. You'll see it, someday, hopefully.

"I don't know what is it that you do,
but it has gotten me all crazed up about you."

& I Never Thought

It's one of those nights where you feel so lost. You question yourself and your actions over and over again. Wondering if you're on the right path or simply being stubbornly blinded.

It's just one of those emo nights despite the happiness you've been experiencing. Maybe this only applies to those who suffer from anxiety. Anyone knows what I'm referring to?

"Never thought I could love you
Never thought I could need you
Never thought I could want you
Baby, the way I do."

I've Got 99 Problems But A Bitch Ain't One

Good sunny Saturday morning everyone. The time now is currently, 0917 as I type. Insomnia doing it's thing as usual. Never mind, I get to sleep at the baby's when I head over later.

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First things first. I owe the bastard this:

99 Reasons Why I Love The Bastard.

1. She makes me cry.
2. She makes me smile.
3. She makes me laugh.
4. She makes me angry.
5. She makes me cry, smile, laugh and angry all at the same time.
6. She's hot.
7. She's so hot that transvestites pick her up.
8. She's sexy.
9. She's adorable.
10. She's possessive.
11. She gets jealous.
12. She always smells so good.
13. She has the smallest eyes ever which I totally adore.
14. She has the deepest dimples when she smiles but I don't adore them like how I adore her smally eyes because I have nice dimples of my own.
15. She bargains even better than a regular girl.
16. She's even more vain than your regular girl.
17. She's a girly girl deep down but tries to act all macho on the outside.
18. She dresses well because she does a fashion show for herself (or me if I'm at her place) before going out.
19. She's fair like tofu whereas I'm the exact opposite.
20. She tells me the sweetest things.
21. She has a honey-coated tongue.
22. She has her tongue pierced.
23. She c-walks.
24. She taught me to c-walk.
25. She skanks with me.
26. She's my Bengbeng and I'm her Lianlian. LOL.
27. Mummy adores her. Though I think mummy adores the fact that she loves cockles more.
28. Lil' brat gets along with her and even offers her bed to the bastard when she leaves for work.
29. She demands that I call her bastard even when I call her kuku or arse.
30. She dares to anger me.
31. She dares to tease me.
32. She tells me that I'm fat all the time.
33. She gets all excited like a kid when I give her surprises.
34. She contradicts herself by telling me, "I miss you, bitch" and continues with "Stop being a bitch".
35. She asks me to shut up and regrets when I really shut up.
36. She gets tipsy easily.
37. She tells me that she misses me when I tell her I miss her.
38. She buys me MacDonald's breakfast and sends it to my doorstep.
39. She helps me to copy notes and then leaves cute childish drawings on them.
40. She borrows my hand phone and claims that it's hers now. P.S. I really miss my hand phone.
41. She wakes me up everyday without fail despite me being an absolute pig and going back to bed after she calls most of the time.
42. She gives me big tight hugs.
43. She pats me back to sleep every time I have trouble getting to sleep.
44. She buys me sweets to help me curb my cigarette cravings.
45. She invades my blog.
46. She tried to invade my blog, planning to give me a surprise but was unsuccessful not because she forgot my password, but forgot my username.
47. She stays up till 0600 on all 3 days when I was studying for my supplementary papers.
48. She's my one and only King Spencer Seaweed Tan.
49. She's going to be the other parent of Malcom and Jade.
50. She sings me Stickwitu on my request.
51. She loves my chou chous as much as I love them and hogs to one of them every time she crashes my place.
52. She brings me shopping every now and then.
53. She buys me peanut ice cream despite the fact that I owe her two peanut ice creams from losing a bet to her.
54. She loves photo whoring emo pictures of herself.
55. She makes me act emo together with her so we have emo pictures of both of us.
56. She claims that she's not scared of me but freaks out when I really get angry.
57. She calls me and demands that I tell her I love her.
58. She melts me.
59. She's my partner in crime. She stole my heart and I stole hers.
60. She has lesser guts than I do so I get to protect her instead of her protecting me.
61. She psychos me to not work but then thinks twice about what she can do with my pay and forces me to work.
62. She drops me a text message every single hour if she's clubbing without me.
63. She tells me that she doesn't want to go home unless I go home and ends up at my home. Hahahaha.
64. She's a bastard.
65. She hugs me to sleep.
66. She thinks of 10 reasons to why she loves me and stops at the 9th one and tells me she can't think anymore and sends me a text message with her 10th reason instead.
67. She says that her heart beats for me (Her reason number 10). ((:
68. She tells me that everything's going to be fine when I need to hear that phrase the most.
69. She likes to sex me up.
70. She cooks for me.
71. She loves me in my minis' and sexaye tops.
72. She calls me baby.
73. She whines "Baby, help me" when she gets bullied.
74. She feeds me like a pig even though she complains that I am fat.
75. She falls asleep while texting me.
76. She insists she's straight because she's metro sexual.
77. She has a huge ego.
78. She meets me during my dinner breaks.
79. She talks to me during my smoke breaks.
80. She secretly adores it when I sneak peaks at her.
81. She thinks I'm hot but refuses to admit it. HAHA.
82. She always tries to be angry with me but fails terribly the moment I put my face right in front of hers.
83. She stamps her feet when she gets bullied.
84. She stamps her feet as long as she doesn't get her way.
85. She always manages to make everything my fault.
86. She makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.
87. She clubs too much, like me.
88. She changes her msn nick, on my demand.
89. She's shy. Heh.
90. She's planning a surprise for my birthday and thinks I have no idea about it. HAHAHA.
91. She put herself on my "Affinity" group on my MSN contact list.
92. She turns me on. LOL.
93. She makes me a better person.
94. She listens to my incessant whining.
95. She is who she is.
96. She's my seaweed and I'm her snowball.
97. She's mine.
98. She loves me.
99. Lastly, because she's all I ever need.

((:

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Opening shift at Acid was good. Crowd started streaming in around 2100 and by the time I left at 2200, it was full house.

I immediately went to the locker room, made the necessary phone calls and rushed to the toilet to change out of my uniform. Surprise surprise, I found a 3/4 full pack of cigarettes in the toilet!

Happily smoked like 1 stick while waiting for 16 to Zouk. Then when I finally got into Zouk, I searched my ENTIRE bag for that pack of lucky cigarettes, IT WASN'T THERE DEH! I must have dropped it when I was rushing from one place to another, plus my bag was full and I have a bad habit of not zipping my bag. -big frown-

Zen says it's karma. I say it's just not meant to be mine! -bigger frown- Enough about the cigarettes.

Oh my God, it was only when I stepped into the area of Zouk that I realised how much I have missed Zouk! I used to Zouk twice a week without fail, so there.

We Love House invites were very pretty. Think pink polkadots on white. Very Fashion feat FCUK next Friday. Oh, how I love my invites. Haha.

Phuture was good! Especially towards closing. Reggaeton rocks my socks because I get to skank! Haha. Plus, Andrew Chow was such a darling today, he played Stickwitu. -smiles at baby-

Prata opposite with Jo, Bel, Zen, Bessy and Weedy after. Jo has found a new person to "bully" and that's my babe. Haha. Baby, you're nice to "bully" because in this Yong Tau Foo group, you're the baby of the group. And sometimes, you really ask to be "bullied" with your incessant nonsense. Hur.

My legs are aching quite badly right now. I think it was the excessive skanking and the hiatus I've taken from clubbing; lost some of my clubbing mojo.

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I was tagged. Scroll down to see if I tagged you.

The Final Five (remove the top and add your blog to the bottom)

*tutyfruitty.com
*emo-zions.blogspot.com
*sarongskirts.blogspot.com
*rather-be-loved.blogspot.com
*abnegation.blogspot.com

What were you doing ten years ago?

Being a nerd. Yes I was nerdy in primary school.

Five Songs Which You Know All The Lyrics Right Off Your Head Now

*I Bruise Easily - Natasha Bedingfield
*If I Ain't Got You - Alicia Keys
*Safe In A Crazy World - Corrinne May
*Stickwitu - Pussycat Dolls
*Because of You - Kelly Clarkson

Five Things You Would Do If You Were A Millionaire

*Shop for myself and the babe till I drop, literally.
*Buy a house.
*Buy mummy her Cartier watch.
*Further my studies.
*Go on a long holiday with the babe.

Five Bad Habits

*Smoking (I'm in good progression to quitting okay!).
*Biting my fingernails (I'm in good progression as well).
*Anxiety (I worry too much).
*Sleeping when I shouldn't be and not sleeping when I should be.
*Blogging! (Right~)

Five Things You Like Doing

*Sleeping.
*Shopping.
*Clubbing.
*Working (I only enjoy working for the money).
*Reading (I haven't read in a long time though).

Five Things You Will Never Wear, Buy Or Get New Again?

*Baggy Jeans. Yes I succumbed to being a fashion victim.
*J Pop CDs. Yes I used to listen to J Pop. How embarrassing.
*Skirts that are not at least 3 inches above my knee because I never wear anything longer than that. (For example a Stussy skirt that I paid almost a hundred for and I've worn it like once.)
*M)Phosis slippers. They have a short life span.
*Straw Bags. They are so not my thing.

Five Favourite Toys/Things

*Chou chous! I have 5 in total! Hahaha.
*My Lego Ring. I wear it all the time.
*My Gold Casio. I wear it all the time too.
*Clinique's Happy. Which reminds me, I'm running low.
*Minnie Baby! ((:

You're IT

*Jie Leong.
*Denise.
*Zen.
*Queky.
*Rick.

"Monday
Took her for a drink on Tuesday
We were making love by Wednesday
And on Thursday and Friday and Saturday
We chilled on Sunday"

Humpty Dumpty

Tau Pok asked me "Why are you always at home these days?" on MSN earlier. My answer at that point of time was, "I have no life what". Now, I'm going to give you a full detailed answer to why I'm always home these days.

The babe was sleeping at my place on Wednesday while I went for e-Business paper after her "breakfast delivery". Came back and it was my turn to fall asleep and by the time I woke up it was 1900 plus at night.

So we left my house around 2000 for dinner at TM. Guess what?! I tripped and sprained my ankle at my doorstep. So smart. I sprain my ankle like on an average of once every 2 months. Why am I so damn clumsy.

Obviously it's swollen and I'm limping slightly when I walk. If I were to get robbed now, it'll be perfect timing for the robber because I'm walking in slow mo, much less run after the bugger. -grumbles-

Gave work a miss because I don't want to stand for hours and aggravate the situation but I'm headed to work tomorrow because I can't afford to miss it anymore. Plus, there's We Love House tomorrow where I specially requested for opening shift at work so I can head down. I haven't Zouk-ed for more than 2 weeks already. |:

So that's why I've been staying home. All because of supplementary papers and a busted ankle but I'm going out tomorrow, unless my ankle decides to dislocate itself and cripple me.

Why am I so clumsy please?!

"And after all, you're my wonderwall."

I Wanna Die From Diabetes Caused By Your Sugar Rushes

The reason to why I haven't been blogging is because of the previous entry, which is obviously not written by me. I was not allowed to blog until she found the time to post the entry.

So it's been a painful 3 days abstaining from blogger.com but I survived because I was just too busy with the supplementary papers. Plus, patience is really a virtue after all, I'm all smiles. ((:

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Monday

Scroll down and refer to the previous entry. ((:

Tuesday & Wednesday

Went for TDP Paper at 0930 without any sleep because I was mugging through the night. Came home around noon and continued to stay up waiting for the bastard's (There, I've called you a bastard now so stop being such a nag asking me to curse at you. Nonsense!) phone call until my body gave in at 1400.

Got dragged out of bed at around 2130 by the mummy to eat dinner. I swore I would have just continued sleeping if I didn't have to study for e-Business.

So I sulked through dinner and attempted to cheer myself up by watching C.S.I. and having a marathon MSN conversation with Zen and Jojo till 0300 instead of studying. Studied a good solid 4 hours then headed to nap for 3 hours (which turned out to be 5 hours instead).

So she called me around 1100, demanding I get out of my bed to continue studying. I said that I would and continued to drift about in lala land.

Around noon she called again, asking what I was doing. So I lied and said, "I'm awake la just lying on my bed". Technically I was lying on my bed yes, but I left out the part where "I was still asleep until your phone call woke me up". She then went "Don't lie. Anyway, open your door, you've got a breakfast delivery."

I jolted straight out of bed and went straight to my door and there was the silly one holding my Macdonalds' breakfast, grinning from ear to ear.

Everybody go "Awwwwwwwww".

I'm speechless by what you've done. I think this is my happiest day thus far in 2006. Thank you and I love you, you bastard. -bigtighthug & bigwetkiss-

"Every time I look at you
Baby I see something new
It takes me higher than before
It makes me want you more
I don't want to sleep tonight
Dreaming's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been coming to
I'm all about loving you."

Everything I do, I do it for you.

Baby's busy studying for her TDP paper now
and I know she's itching to blog
so I'm doing an invasion here. =))

Anyway.
We met up at earlier on at bout 1740 at bedok station
and headed for Changi Airport to accompany her to study.
While we were on the Skytrain to T2,
I popped her a question asking 'which is the terminal people arrive?'
and THANK YOU BABY for letting me know both terminals has arrivals and departures.

*I know I have to include this. Right babe? Lol.

We went Macdonalds hunting at T2
cos I needed the internet access to entertain myself while she studies.
But we only see Macdonald's friend, Burger King.
So it was human error,
there isn't any Macdonalds at the airport. =/

We decided to head over to Parkway instead.
Before we make our way there,
we had our dinner at Popeye.
2 piece chicken, fries, coleslaw, whipped potatoes, BISCUIT that taste like bread.
But it was nice thou.
And yes, it was my virgin meal there.

*I remembered that you want to eat there la okay so you don't act. And you don't think you're cool cos you've got the BREAST meat! Haha. Thanks for the treat anyway. =D

Our journey to Parkway was thrilling
but I shan't go into detail bout that.
We finally settled down at Parkway Macdonalds at bout 1945.
And we headed back at bout 2300.

*I know its disturbing to have me around when you were studying but I hope you manage to remember something at least; Eco-tourism, SWOT, PEST, those APEC/ASEAN/NATAS, blah blah. Oh, and Manpower (Human Resource) planning. Lol. It was fun helping you copy notes thou. So you don't think only you have nice handwritting, my handwritting is nice too okay! Hah. And I caught you peeping at me while you were studying!!

And my last *;

Baby, its hard on you these days but you gotta hang in there alright? You will and we'll pull through whatever thats coming our way cos you have my hand stretching out for yours whenever you're losing grip. Hugs.

Before I end this entry,
here's something for you;

"Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight.
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight.
And there's nowhere in the world, I'd rather be.
Than here in my room,
dreaming about you and me."


Drea: Baby's "entry" where her stupid internet connection died on her. I'm saving this as a draft for you first. Hur. Which means I cannot blog till you go online again to post this "entry". Ahhh. Hands are itching. Okay la, I love you la silly kuku.

Cer: Its not my fault that my connection died on me okay! And I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I didn't have the time to come online the past days. So, happy now that the entry's up? I know you love me la b*tch. Haha.

Oh anyway, this post is published on Wed, 23rd March, 0035 hours.

To The Ends Of The World

Pictures from awhile ago. Looking all so glamourous at MoS with Ryl, Chy and Weed after Marilyn's birthday bash. ((:

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Friday

Arrived promptly on time to pick her but she was still asleep when I reached. Entertained myself with The Newspaper for approximately half an hour.

Singapore's too small, she had it easy guessing where I was taking her to.

Sentosa it was. Someone was so damn excited like a lil baby. Yakking non-stop about where we should go and what we could do in a short time span. So cute la. Haha.

Ate the brunch I made and had ice kachang to cool off the heat. Spent a good hour plus in Underwater World. I have no idea how many rounds we went on the travellator, she just didn't want to stop. If it weren't because we wanted to catch the Pink Dolphin show, we could have been there all day. -.-

I'm so sick of UWS. Lost count of the number of times I've visited that place in the last 4 months for CPM. I'm proud to say that I saw one of our CPM proposals being implemented! (The key chain cum photograph booth). -pats all CPM mates on the back-

Nevertheless I had fun because of her and camera whoring. My phone and camera are filled with nonsensical pictures, mainly of her. Lol.

Sakae Sushi after Dolphin Lagoon. God, it's been almost 6 months since I've had sushi. Imagine the satisfaction gained. Musical Fountain after dinner. Damn, it was just so pretty.

If not for someone oversleeping, we could have gone Luge-ing and Chair Lifting. Bah. Merlion and that the next time around. ((:

Saturday

Finally slept in till 1600 and met her in town around 1900.

Okay, so I left some money with her for safe keeping so that I won't spend the money unnecessarily. Bad move!

I ended up with a pair of Gold Flats from Trendy Zone and a Grey Lace Camisole from Zara. She being itchy backside as usual, bought 2 Basic Tees from Topman. -.- So much for saving money. I feel so broke now. |:

Heineken Green Room at Harbour Front's Helipad after dinner. The location was darn cool. Imagine 13 storeys high, with a perfect view of Sentosa and city lights on a damn helipad! What was even cooler was that the invite had my name on it.

There's always a downside to everything though. It started out with Andrew Chow doing the opening set so it was totally like Phuture. Then it was DJ Premier and Big Shrug who spins Underground Hip hop but I reckon it suits the crowd (which made us feel like 15 years old all over again) and we're suckers for commercial music. Bottom line, the music wasn't to our liking.

The beer was bad. She agreed with me that it kinda tasted flat. I thought my taste buds were playing tricks on me but I'm a Heineken lover and I know a good Heineken when I taste it.

We left at record timing because we were bored outta our wits, 0100 and headed back to my crib.

Sunday

Was supposed to accompany the mummy to the market but according to me, she didn't wake us up. According to mummy, I told her "I'm tired la. I want to sleep" and conked back into bed. Haha.

I could have just stayed in bed all day long until she dragged me up at 1600. Had brunch/tea or whatever you call it downstairs then we did some grocery shopping.

Dinner was OMFG full until I want to die. Mummy cooked Golden Mushroom stir fried with Butter, Prawns in Sweet Sauce with Spring Onions, Chicken Rendang, Xiao Bai Cai in Oyster Sauce and mummy and her both shared 1 Kg of Cockles. -pinches nose-

I'm feeling so damn sleepy now but I can't head to bed because I've got the damn essay to write. Bah, time to burn the midnight oil.

On a random note, I've met all sorts of backstabbing people in my life but never have I ever met one so low down. God, you're beyond disgusting, seriously. I feel ashamed to be associated with such a person.

To end off this entry, I'll leave you with a candid shot which I think is so damn funny and adorable. ((:

---
*update: Mon, 20th March, 0715 hours.

I am still awake. Inspiration ran from me so I'm here searching for it.

She was such a darling. Stayed up till 0600 to accompany me. ((:

Only at 400 words. God. Another 800 words to go. Another 9 hours before it's due.
Fucktard. I hate school.

Damn Tourism 2015 Masterplan. I know you're going to give me a job and I'm grateful. I think I know the masterplan inside out now. Maybe I should consider applying to STB for a job. Kidding, grades like mine won't land me a civil job.

Ahh. Three more days before the terror's over. I WANT TO PLAY LA. Knnbccb.

Excuse me once again. I'm exhausted and cranky from the lack of sleep and plus having to generate 1, 200 words of bullshit ain't helping. Grrrrrrr.

---
*update: Mon, 20th March, 1049 hours.

I AM DONE. Omfg, I am finally done with the mother fucking essay. With all honesty, it's not as fantastic as the previous essays I've done but bottom line is I am bloody done with it.

Anyway, came across this from RedQueen. It's darn interesting. Warning, only for the open minded and queer friendly because it's about Girl on Girl sex. Kinky shit. Click Me.

Now, it's time to "Fan Gao" for awhile then it's to school to submit the darn paper. Round 1 over. 2 more rounds to go.

"Let's commit the perfect crime.
I'll steal your heart & you'll steal mine."

Can I be The Geek In The Pink?

Life can't get anymore ridiculous as it can get. It seriously can't.

I wish problems were Boggarts and I'll use the Ridikulous disarming charm on them like they do in Harry Potter.

Random thought there.

I'm so exhausted from the lack of sleep and the day's activities. I've only 100 words for the essay because I need to draft it out before I can write anything. Bah, shall draft it tomorrow. I'm too exhausted to use what's left of my pea sized brain.

Someone please remind me that the essay is due on Monday at 1700. -slaps self-

To console myself, at least I'm done with my research. I've got a straight B+ on the rest of the essays which I did on the day of submission and they were 800 words, 1, 200 words and 1, 500 words respectively.

Andrea, argumentative essays have been your forte since Secondary School so quit whining and stressing yourself unnecessarily. Calm and collected is the way to go and the words will flow.

I know I sound a lil mad referring to myself as a third person but excuse me, exhaustion and paranoia doing the typing here.

Self esteem is totally in the pits as well. What the hell happened to the all so confident Andrea?

Conclusion, I'm depressed but yet happy. I've gone off my rockers. So please excuse good old Miss Abnegation. I don't call myself Miss Abnegation for no reason.

"Make it like it was before."

Fear

I'm awake after 4 hours of sleep. This is already the second day I'm awake automatically. Decided against going back to sleep not because of the fear of not being able to get up, but the fear of the recurring nightmare.

My dreams or nightmares are always so surreal, so much that when it happens, it's like an played down deja vu. Like Phoebe in Charmed, I have the "power to predict", except my "supernatural powers" only apply when I'm asleep.

To prove my point, this dream on Monday, 12th December 2005 came true; Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These.

I'm freaked, seriously spooked. I fear the end of the weekend because that's when my nightmare may just happen.

I never feared the weekend as much as I fear it now. The past month, weekends meant euphoria. These were the days that made all things bad during the week alright all over again.

I need to learn to not stress myself out. I don't want my anxiety attack to strike again. For better or worst, I'll let God unveil the events he has planned for me.

"A nightmare of constant fear,
a nightmare never so surreal.
On my cheeks were fallen tears,
tears my heart fell for you."

The Final Leap Of Faith

The girl who accompanied me on my errands, Denise and yours truly. (:

Look! We were wearing the exact same pair of Birks! No prizes for guessing which one belongs to me.

I actually woke up at 1215 earlier. Not on my own of course but at least I didn't go back to sleep after Denise gave me a wake up call. -pats self on back-

But. Yes, there's a but. I ended up being an hour late to meet Denise. Okay, before you start assuming I dilly dallied about my house, I'm going to blame the damn bank queue. I swear I stood in the queue for almost 30 minutes. Sorry darling!

Cabbed down since I was late. The cab fare from Tampines Mall to Bugis Junction amounted to a freaking $13. Even if I cab to town from Tampines, it wouldn't cost $13.

The mother fucker cab driver took the longer way and we got caught in the lunch traffic. I should have just taken the MRT and I'd be there at the same time! -gives du lan face-

So we went in search for present X. Found it in no time but I had to go draw cash (which I deposited before I met Denise) because they didn't accept NETS. Knn. The ATM wasn't exactly very near by and plus the weather was sweltering hot. |:

After that, we decided to walk to City Hall since we had time to kill. Bought present Y and present Z and I was done shopping for the day.

Headed to town and we both shared a 6 foot sandwich at Subway. That was around 1630 and our first meal of the day. We're both on "diet". HAHA.

Continued "window shopping" around Taka and Wisma. Yay! So proud of the both of us, we resisted all temptation to shop. Hur.

Thanks for accompanying me to run my errands darling. I hope you had a great time like I did. We'll meet up soon again. It was nice talking, complaining, reminiscing and bitching about everything. Love you darling and please eat more! Haha. -hugs-

Met Jiejie Leong for dinner at 1900. Macs & KFC at Taka. Then to our good ole' hang out, Spinellis at Heerens.

Tau Pok Bessy came along and they were filling me in on the drama I missed at Phuture on Wednesday. I was laughing till my stomach ached so badly. Hahaha. Then around 2115, Jojo came along and she came along as well.

Everyone left around 2200. Jojo, Bessy and Jiejie left for Dbl O, she left for Zouk and I left for home. I'm such an angel. Staying home to write my supp paper essay while everyone else is clubbing.

I'm so tired. 1, 200 words on "What are the prospects of Singapore to attract 17 million visitors by 2015". God, I'm so sick of writing about the The 2015 Tourism Masterplan already but the choice is not mine to make. Bah.

"In this time of fear,
when prayer so often proves in vain.
Hope seems like the summer bird,
too swiftly flown away.
Yet now I'm standing here,
my heart's so full, I can't explain.
Seeking faith and speaking words,
I never thought I'd say."

Only Almost Here

It was good to finally head out of the house proper, immersing myself in the sights and sounds of the human world.

Finally collected my pay. I guess there's always a blessing in disguise because I got slightly more than I expected.

Date Movie, 2110 @ Cathay Cine. The movie lasted a short 1 hour and 20 minutes. I wouldn't say it was fantastic but reasonably funny because they managed to spoof so many movies and made it flow into one.

Not clubbing on a Wednesday truly made me feel aimless and lost but all's good because I'm just too exhausted from the lack of sleep and I'm just sick of clubbing.

I'm going to give Dbl O later a miss as well. Instead, I'm meeting Denise for some coffee catching up and to run some errands. (:

On the other hand, my Heineken Green Room invite just arrived in the mail. All so pretty with my name on it. Ahhh, the temptations.

*Jo & Bessy. Thanks for meeting me at such a short notice. A friend in need, is a friend indeed. Love you both.

* Jie & Jie Fu. Thanks for listening to me. I love you both dearly. Happy 1st Monthsary to both of you. May you both have many babies soon. LOL.

"So now I come to you with open arms,
nothing to hide, believe what I'm sayin'.
So here I am, with open arms,
hoping you'll see what your love means to me."

When You Love Someone & It Goes To Waste

Obviously I didn't sleep much because it's like 0748. Was on the phone till 0530, fell asleep for less than an hour and I woke up once again. I decided against going back to sleep in fear of not being able to wake up for TDP's supp paper revision lecture later at 1000.

The only other person who truly understands my pain is Maye, because she suffers from the exact same problem and we usually chat till daylight beckons. She told me earlier that she wants to lead a normal life and stop screwing her life up with normal people. My sentiments exactly. This is how insomniacs like us are affected.

Bahh. This "sleeping disorder" shit is really bugging me.

---

Random Thought Number 1:
This has been the longest time I've stayed single since I foolishly trapped myself in the maze of love at the age of 14. It's been almost 5 months since my status quo has stayed single and I'm predicting it to stay that way for quite awhile.

In and out of 5 official relationships in 6 years. Ryan Rodriguese, Michelle Yip, Stephanie Quek, Bessy Tan and Janice Wee. 7 months, 8 months, 1 year, 2 years and 4 months respectively.

I don't know if I can say I'm in love now because my status quo says otherwise but I do know I love you.

I'd have to admit that I didn't treat Yip, Queky and Bessy like I should when I was with either. Maybe that's why I got karma back in ten fold when things ended with Janice.

So out of 3, I've been shot with one. My heart's going to break 2 more times before karma is on the even playing field.

You're karma number 2 and I miss the sweet saccharine feeling of being in love, proper.

Random Thought Number 2:
Met Ms. Tan and Ms. Chia at the wake yesterday and they said that the tourism job market is doing very well which explains why most of my fellow HTM-ians have already secured jobs.

I still have no idea what I want to do. Okay, at least the plan is to work first then head overseas to further my studies.

I just don't know which career path I want to embark on. Airline, Hotel or Attraction? Marcomms or PR? Though my dream career is Marcomms in an Airline, specifically SQ.

And I know for a fact that I'm running out of time.

Random Thought Number 3:
I'm going to prove that my words carry weight because actions speak louder than words.

Watch me.

---

She mentioned to me that my blog entries are becoming more and more depressing as the day passes. That the depressing entries only came about when I changed my blogskin.

Oh girl, the secrets you don't know about me.


---
*update 1227 hours.

Excessive blogging again I know. Boredom's the root of it. -mumbles-

TDP supp paper revision lasted a whole torturing hour. Okay, so it lasted 40 minutes and Jackie Ong spent the remaining 20 minutes preaching. Anyway, I'm the ONLY ONE who failed TDP. Ahhhhhh. So imagine, I had a 1 to 1 revision with Jackie Ong for a whole damn hour. -slaps forehead- Bloody bugger that I failed because of attendance because according to Jackie Ong, I did quite well for my coursework. Sigh. Ain't that the case for HT Seminars as well.

She kept going on about how smart am I, how I should used my strength in the Queen's language to "help" myself, to stop screwing up, asking if I've quit smoking, what am I planning to do after graduation, my family situation and blah blah blah. God, don't ask me what she was talking about. I was between falling asleep and giving her "Uh Huhs, Yes and No" answers.

Okay la. She's not that bad a tutor honestly. Just a lil erm, weird? Okay, maybe queer's a better word to describe her. She was pretty sweet and gave me pretty obvious hints on what topics to focus on for the paper. At least she cares unlike some tutors -coughfungcough- who don't give a shit fuck about the reasons to why I was on MIA mode the whole semsester.

So I'm going to be an angel now and go read up on the damn case study for TDP and write my 1, 200 word essay on the 2015 tourism masterplan (AGAIN!) for HT Seminars.

Mummy gave me a phone call from work while I was leaving school, that has left me with the creeps to come home tonight.

Mummy: Where are you?

Me: I just finished school. Going home now. Why?

Mummy: Will you be home tonight?

Me: Er. I don't think so. I should be going out.

Mummy: I want to talk to you but it's not a good time now because I'm at work.

Me: Uhhh. Okay.

I continued to recieve a text from her bf (which he obviously sent to the wrong person) that went:
"Dar, don't talk to her yet. Talk to her when I'm around."

OMFG. I'm super freaked. I'm trying to think what I did wrong this time around but I've been such an angel! Home for 2 days in a row. What have I done wrong?! -panic attack-

I predict that the talk will leave me cursing and swearing in tears, ignoring them completely for a week or so and getting accused of something I never did. It always happens when they decide to give me one of their "pep talks".

See why I don't like coming home?!

Anyway, yes I'm finally getting out of this lonely hell hole later. Unless someone decides to fly my kite. -glares-

"I want to waste my time with you."

Shit Happens, It Really Does

The most unexpected things can happen to anyone of us, anytime. Reminding us to always show and express our love to our closest people.

I've resigned myself to fate. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then life goes on. Epitome of cynicism.

---

My dearest Tomato,

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I'm here anytime you need me, you know the number to call or text. Be strong darling, we're all here with you. God will give you and your family the strength. We'll meet up soon with the rest for dinner and coffee okay? Love you plenty. -bigtighthug-

Always yours,
Carrot.

---

I can never go on a hiatus from this addictive blog. I just cannot resist when I'm home almost 24/7 with nothing else to do.

Strangely, I'm still feeling damn sleepy after sleeping the whole afternoon away. Argh.

---
*update: 0256 hours.

I'm tired and crabby. Major cranky-ness please. Argh. I've been perpetually feeling tired the past few days. I think it's a sign that I should stop staying at home so much. Bugger.

Fucking pay's not in. KNNBCCB. It better come in by Thursday the latest because I NEED the money. I'm in serious dire straits.

I can't stop doubting myself. I can't stop doubting you. I can't stop doubting us. But like I mentioned earlier, I'm just going to leave it to fate.

---

I hate it when people judge basing their judgements on my blog.

Firstly, you're not even part of my life now. You don't have the slightest idea what is going on in my life. Back then I would take your criticism because you knew what was going on. You don't know shit about me now.

So maybe all I do is whine and complain and type about my plans and then do nothing about it. Whether I carry these plans out, do you even know? No right? So shut it and go mollycoodle with your darling and leave me out of your blog entries.

Yes I am childish to rebutt back on my blog. Maybe you aren't even talking about me and I'm just being thick skinned or oversensitive. I am dealing with my shit. Wake up and smell the roses. Everyone deals with issues differently.

You reduced me to this state in the first place so don't tell me how I should go about picking up my life. I'm only 20 and I still have a long way to fix things. Even if I attempt sucide again this time around, I'm so glad it's not because of you all over again.

"If tomorrow never comes, would she know how much I love her?"

Would she?"

I Got My Mind Set On You

Bah. So I fell asleep around 2300 earlier. I was that tired.

Somehow I just couldn't sleep proper. I woke up twice to check if you called or texted. Finally texted you instead and got a phone call at 0300 in return.

My body's gone haywire. 4 hours of sleep and I'm ready to run 2.4 km. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little here but you get my gist. So here I am blogging at 0538 in the morning because I slept too early. -slaps forehead-

I'm going to be home the next few days. Not going to Zouk on Wednesday. Yes go buy lottery quick.
Happy 22nd to Joanne Wee in advance. Thanks for inviting me along.

There's Sho'Down at MoS, some party at DXO and the underaged bash at Zouk on Thursday. I'm staying home too. I am serious about cutting down.

The only temptation is the Heineken Green Room feat Gang Starr @ The Helipad on Saturday, because it's an invites only event, first Green Room session in 2006, held at an exclusive location and I have invites for myself and 2 other people!

I'm still thinking it through because I've already made plans for that day and I hate screwing up plans. Argh.

Shall go try catch 40 winks soon then head to school to collect HT Seminars supp paper materials. Then back home to nap, watch a DVD or two and do HT Seminars's supp paper.

I pray that my pay comes in latest by Wednesday (it's late again) because I'm planning to go shopping, alone. Yes, alone. I'm feeling "independent". Kay, so the honest truth is I just don't feel like seeing anyone, talking to anyone or explaining why I'm so damn fucking depressed.

Plus I have errands to run in town. I feel like going to Suzanne's (there's this weird theory that girls go for hair cuts when they are depressed), I need to head to Browhaus, City Link, Suntec and basically town. I've been seeing a thousand and one pairs of pretty gold or black heels.

Shall see I reckon because everytime I decide to go shopping alone, I end up crying along the streets alone and Quekypoopoo the best friend would have to come save me.

Jie Leong asked me what happened to the "orginal" Andrea, that I'm back where I first started out when the ex left. Day in day out, emo non stop.

Weed asked me where did the cool and collected Andrea she once knew went to. I think she left out fierce because I am still fierce.

You people are nonsensical. When I was the cool and collected Andrea, everyone said that I was one cold, unfeeling, heartless bitch. Now I'm all "human", y'all want the original Andrea back. I'll decide which Andrea I want to be.

Hiatus from blogging for awhile. I'm going to be a hermit and embark on my journey to decide which Andrea I should be and also study so I can graduate from damn TP and finally get my ass to getting a proper job.

God, I think I either sound mental or schizo in this entry.

---

Please please do my Johari Window & Nohari Window for me. PLEASE.

"I can live without you but I don't want to.
I can walk away now but I don't want to.
All because I still believe.

I will leave if you ask me to.
If that's going to make you happy.
I'd do anything to see you smile.
You'll see."

Have You Ever?

I remember once saying, "They say rainbows after the storm, I say its bullshit". After all the shit I've been through, it's no surprise that cynicism is literally my middle name.

But someone pointed something out to me. That I only look at the down side all the time, I forget about the times where there were rainbows.

I need to learn to stop being such a pessimist.

---

Liquid Room on Saturday was a tad bit boring. Full of underaged kiddos. Hello Liquid's Ladies Card, though I don't really visit Liquid.

Sunday was spent snoozing the afternoon away then to City Hall and Lau Pa Sat for Satay.

Met Jiejie Leong and JieFu Ricky downstairs Jie's place then they took me to KBox my sorrows away. The 3 of us KTV-ed for 6 hours straight till 0600. We still had a whole list of songs but KBox was closing so we had to leave. LOL.

I was emo queen for the night. Every song I sang was emo. From S.H.E's Yes I Love You to Jay's Jie Kou to Madonna's Take A Bow. I never knew Jie could sing in Canto and she sounds even better in Canto. Ricky was just OMG please. ROFL. Act cute the whole night by singing act cute songs by Chen Xiao Chun and Ah Niu and she continued to imitate Ah Du. -faints-

RickyLee I know you were just trying to make me laugh. If you weren't then you're super moronic JieFu. Next time, sing Tuo Diao for me. HAHAHA.

Then to Macs for breakfast. I had my chocolate milkshake. (:

Headed back to Jie's and we just sat in the car chatting. So maybe I was doing most of the talking because Jie was asleep and Ricky was falling asleep. Heh.

Ricky and I had to tahan till 0930 so Ricky could send Jie to school. Ricky sent me back after and I got home around 1030. Then Ricky had to drive all the way back to NUS to pick Jie up at noon then back to the east. So sweet la but you should stop pampering her. -sniggers-

Jie just called to tell me that she's been puking her guts out since morning. Coincidentally, I've been having diarrhea since morning. Thing is, we ate different things at Macs and RickyLee is the only one that's perfectly fine.

To think I bought chocolate milk on my way home so I could drink my Baileys. Andrea, are you stupid or what?! -slaps self-

Thank you both for staying up with me, the chats, advices (though you know me, I won't listen to them) and smiles you both put to my face. Yes I promised to stop crying. Been crying for 5 days straight already. Love you both dearly. -hugs-

e-Business supp paper revision earlier at 1600. I was trying so hard to keep my eyelids open.
HT Seminars supp paper materials to be collected at 1030 tomorrow then on Wednesday, TDP's supp paper revision at 1000. Fuck why all so early please. Argh.

I'm falling asleep as I type. Think I'm going to go to bed straight after dinner. Quick go buy 4D. Barely slept 8 hours since Friday. If only sleeping wasn't such a chore.

Shall leave all my blogders with the lyrics to the last song I crooned to at KBox because in this song, you'll find out why I can't sleep.

"Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry
Have you ever needed somethin' so bad you can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right
Have you ever
Have you ever
Have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything
To make them understand
Have you ever had someone
Steal your heart away
You'd give anything, oh
To make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start

Have you ever found the one
You dreamed of all your life
You'd do just about anything
To look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one
You've given your heart to
Only to find that one
Won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait
For the day when they will care

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms, baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand
How I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
Cause baby, I can't sleep"

I Gotta Stop

I hate myself, I do. Time and time again I keep screwing up my whole life. I really do.

I swear I need help but I don't know how to go about doing it since I'm "banned" from any sort of pills and I can't take liquid because I just barf the moment it goes into my mouth.

I really can't help it that I'm a huge insomniac. I'm trying, I really am. Why doesn't anyone see that?

I'm making an effort, I really am. Why doesn't anyone just believe in me? I've already lost all faith in myself. Can't anyone just give me the extra boost to keep me alive?

God, must I make my shrink write a letter stating that I suffer from sleep anxiety and that I suffer from insomnia and then post it up here, so that y'all would believe me.

You guys just don't understand. I DON'T ENJOY SUFFERING FROM SLEEP ANXIETY. I'D DO ANYTHING TO RID IT. This included swallowing 50 pills straight but IT DIDN'T HELP DID IT?!

Don't push me please. Don't push me to my limit. I really am losing it.

"When you lose all hope, nothing else matters."

Come Undone

It's been awhile since I've stayed home, cuddling up with my "chou chous", watching telly programmes and crapping with the mummy. Lovely.

I'm obviously not a home person. I dread coming home in fact as most would know. It just sucks coming home to either an empty house or being home alone, everyone's always busy working.

As a kid, I was what you'd call a "Latch Key Kid". I was given the responsibility of taking myself and the lil brat to school by public transport when I was 10. My own set of house keys when I was 12 and supporting myself when I was 16.

The independence and freedom is good because mummy never nags at my spending, or what time I come home after I stopped taking allowance from her. But it gets tiresome after awhile because of the financial stress.

So don't judge me when I blog about Cantonment or getting 3 Fs (I've never seen so many Fs before either) because you don't know the exact details. I'm not proud neither do I enjoy "airing my dirty linen in the public".

I just enjoy noting things down on my blog because these are my memories and in time to come, they serve as reminders for me to tame down on my temper, check in with the rashness and to laugh at my own moronic actions.

Privacy you'd say? My life's pretty much what you see in my entries but I'm no moron to put all the nitty gritty details.

Though I'd like to tell everyone about my sex life, how I despise a whole list of people (the feeling's mutual I know), who's on my "People I'd shoot if I have a gun", that lil brat sleep talks (Whoops!) and all the dirty little secrets I'm keeping for people. LOL. Kidding!

---

This is why I love Clair Yeo. (SORRY FOR PUTTING THE WRONG SURNAME!)

bamboozled. says:
are u going to tell me who i can beat up for making u sad?

// `the masquerade *drea says:
People who are so against us.***
// `the masquerade *drea says:
You can't help either what.
// `the masquerade *drea says:
You're like at the other end of the world.

bamboozled. says:
set
bamboozled. says:
let me call my brothers
bamboozled. says:
hello
bamboozled. says:
i have brothers and people who think of me as their little sister who will help

***Edited to protect my privacy.

Clair dear, you can beat them when you're back for summer. Haha. Then you can take me for car spins with your convertible and we'll scream sing "A Thousand Miles" at 0400. Thank you for cheering me up girl. Miss you badly and looking forward to seeing you in 2 months.

---

The babe demanded that I blog about this. I'm going to put it in her exact words. ROFL.

Seaweed: "You must say that I was so "guai" because I cooked supper for my mum."

By the way, she's erm having diarrhea now. HAHAHA.

Don't say it's her cooking okay?! Because I've tried her cooking and it's perfectly fine and I did not get diarrhea or admitted to CGH for food poisoning. -sniggers-

---

Some shout outs to those who were there for me the past few days.

King Spencer Tan Sugar Honey Seaweed.
Yes your name's getting longer because I only give pet names to people who are close to my heart. Yours is the longest because you're the closest. (: Though you're indirectly involved in making me so depressed, I still love you the same. Thank you for believing in us. Everyone's just out to break us up but we won't give in so easily yes? We'll make everyone see that we're better together. Hand in hand, we'll brave all storms. -bigtighthug-

Quekypoopoo the Fish Cake.
You're always the first second because you're sadly my best friend. I can't wait for budget dinner with you and Jiejie Leong later. I haven't seen you in eons. We need to meet up before you're gone to BKK for a whole damn month. You better remember our date or I will skin you alive. Thank you for hearing me out online that day and for always making me smile. (:

Jiejie Leong Cow Shit Pubes.
Thank you for hearing me out earlier in the afternoon. Though you were supposed to meet me after Herstory but someone conked out from the alcohol, as usual. I still love you my lousy always drunk jie. Muacks!

Jojo my titty teacher.
I still owe you your testimonial I know. Wait till I think of something really witty to write okay? Brain dead at the moment. Thank you for offering to talk to me at 0500 yesterday. Love love you!

Zen Imperial Clit-Head Law Tau Gay.
Had a good MSN conversation with you at 0500 yesterday. We're both insomaniac, depressed, jaded and "gian peng" IJ bitches. Cheer up okay darling? Love will find it's way. Hugs.

Bessy Dickie Tan Tau Pok.
Sorry to wake you up at like 0400 in the morning with my phone call. You hang in there. It's not the end of the world. You can do better than that. Haha. -messes up your precious hair-

---

To you.
You know who you are and I know you read my blog religiously. All I can say is, I don't have anything against you and you're not in my "People I despise" or "People I'd shoot if I have a gun" list. I've been in your shoes before so I know how you feel. Trust me, I do. You hate yourself for loving her don't you? Such bitter sweetness. Ironically, we have more things in common than you know. For one, we're crazily in love with the same person.

---

Would you all be kind souls and do the johari window for me? I'd like to know what y'all think of me. Enemies welcomed to do as well. (:

http://kevan.org/johari?name=abnegation

"Tell me everything you need.
Now,anything at all.
And I will be the one who's waiting,
Anytime you fall"

The Secrets I Keep

I can't believe I'm home on a Friday, neither can my mum.

She asked why are my eyes all swollen and if I've been crying. I denied of course. I know she knows what's going on but chooses to keep quiet.

Like how she's in denial that I'm lesbian but loves her* company.
Like how she knows I smoke and constantly reminds me to cut down.
Like how she knows I club excessively and just reminds me to becareful.
Like how she was just there for me everyday at the hospital.

Sometimes I wish I had the guts to tell her everything because I know mummy will give me a tight hug and tell me everything's going to be alright.

The last time I cried so much was last October and November, the worst 2 months of my life. I'm experiencing a deja vu that tells me I'm going to end up like I did during the 2 months.

I may seem happy and alright. I looked happy and alright before I attempted suicide last October. No one expected it, least me. Sometimes, you just lose it.

It's a facade I hide behind. My life's nothing more than a masquerade.

Yes I'm depressed. I seriously need some Prozac and Valium or something along those lines.

No, I'm not okay. I really am not. I guess at the end of the day, all you have is yourself but what happens when you've lost all strength to believe in yourself?

You won't want to know.

"Secretly, I'm breaking down.
Secretly, I've been crying myself to sleep.
Secretly, suicide never seem like a better option.
The secrets I keep deep down."

I See Fs

BHT3001	Consultancy Project Management	6	B
BHT3002	e-Business in Hospitality & Tourism	4	F
BHT3003	Hospitality & Tourism Seminars	5	F
BHT3004	Tourism Development & Policies	4	F
BSI3005	Student Internship Programme	16	Pass
GCD1003	Applied Principles for Effective Living 3	1	Pass
GNE1001	National Education (NE)	1	In Progress

All so "beautiful" results. Expected though so I'm not taking it too hard, I suppose.

First supp paper revision lecture on Monday. Bah. It's back to school. Argh.

Strange Epiphanies

It's strange how we experience epiphanies at the most unexpected times and how bad events can turn out to be blessings in disguise.

Zen's right, everything happens for a reason. Ultimately it boils down to how you react and how you go about accepting reality.

Most of us run away from reality, hoping that somehow that way, the pain's lessened but the fact is, no matter how brutal reality gets, the only way to break free would be to accept things as they are.

Life's full of risks and booby traps, either you take the leap of faith or regret. Sadly, we humans are such complicated creatures. We prefer taking the path unknown, silently praying for a miracle to happen.

Hoping, wishing and praying allows us to see the light at the end of the tunnel but some facts will never change. So why do we put ourselves through all the trauma?

It's just one of those things where's there's no answer.

---

On a lighter note, I managed to catch 2 hours of sleep at the babe's before heading to JB with Zeph, Wei Liang and Jinjin.

It's been 5 years since I last went to JB. Haha. I know, sounds like eons ago huh?

Our only buys were gum and 2 packs of Dunhill Menthol Lights for me. Ciggarettes make me a happy girl. ((:

All was good though cause we just ate, ate and ATE. There goes my diet plans. |:

Seafood mania at Taman. Think sambal kangkong, bamboo clams, kong bao ji ting, bbq stingray, bak kut teh and 2 plates of cereal crayfish. All at S$15 per person. Shiok-ness.

Back to Singapore, we headed to Breko's at Bugis to chill. Heineken, I love!

We've come up with plans to replace all the clubbing sessions. Tanning at Sentosa, Zoo visit, kite flying and steamboat at Marina South, fishing and mahjong (just thought of this). Though I just remembered that my supp papers may crash with these plans. Bugger it.

I'm crossing my fingers that my pay comes in promptly later because I'm beyond bankrupt and she's nearing bankruptcy. I've got a whole list of things to buy and someone to pamper. Heh.

---
*update: 0621 hours.

I'm wide awake. Insomnia's just getting from bad to worst. I must really look terrible now. |:

I was in tears for the past few hours. I just sat in front of my com and thought through everything carefully.

I came to a conclusion after reading Jamie's blog.

I quote "Sometimes, we all need a little reminder that some things don't matter, and this is the only thing that does.", unquote.

And the only thing that matters?

L.O.V.E.

Babe, nothing matters as long as I'm with you. As long as we're both happy, everyone will understand someday. Keep the faith going because I'm not giving up. I'm yours and you're mine. We'll make everyone see that we're better together. -bighug-

Serious spot on about the strange epiphanies.

"If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am."

Birthdays & Random Things

Flaunt What You've Got Party at Liquid Room on 11th March!!

Flaunt What You've Got Party Series 1
-Party by First Wave

Presents the..
Hottest dance move party!!

Showcasing some of the hottest dancers in
the street dance arena, not to be missed!

Breath taking stunt bike opening performances.

Be spotted with the greatest dance moves
and win hot prizes!

Be present at LIQUID ROOM on
the 11th of MARCH (SAT) 2006
from 10pm onwards till late!

Be sure to check out our stunning First Wave babes
presenting you with goodies and prizes!

Tickets are priced at $16 presale and $18 at the door.
Get them fast before they run out.
Inclusive of 1 free drink!
Free drinks and exclusive promotions &
lucky draws all night long!

Contact 92388874 for tickets and enquires.
For more info check out our site at www.firstwave.sg

Till then,
We'll see you guys there!!

---

I know I just blogged like 3 hours ago but I'm just too bored. Bah.

3 more weeks to Lil Ryl's birthday. I don't know what to get my girl for her birthday and I still owe Sel and Queen Marilyn their presents. I owe Sel 2 birthday presents in fact. x:

That also means 6 weeks to Jie Leong's, Kor Ping's and my birthday.

Did I ever mention that Ping is born on the exact same day and year as I am. He was also brought into this damn world in the same hospital. Difference is that he's a few hours older than I am. Another long lost un-identical twin of mine besides Nora (too bad she was born in a different hospital). I can imagine the 2 teeny us lying next to each other in our cots. HAHAHA.

Yong Tau Foo girlies are planning a party for Jie Leong and I. I know you guys are just finding an excuse to hold a party after the fabulous one y'all held on NYE and so happens that Jie Leong and my birthday are 4 days apart and the first 2 birthdays of the group.

I sense "Bunny bunny" and "Idiot" game in the activities itinerary, bottles and bottles of liquor (I love!) and Bessy being the first to puke. HAHAHA.

Too bad Quekypoopoo will be in BKK with her Cookie during our birthdays.
You're so going to make it up to me because you've never missed celebrating my birthday with me before! I demand you to bring many many pretty clothes and accessories back from BKK for me. Hur.

Lao liao la. This year onwards, my age starts with a 2 and it will never end with a "teen" anymore. -whines- Nvm, forever 18. -grins at Marilyn- For now, I am still nineTEEN. Teeheehee.

Anyway, stop asking if I'm going for Herstory later tonight. I, Andrea Lim will not be going for Herstory tonight. I think you guys can start buying lottery that I'm missing Herstory. So sick of the lesbian dramatics. Knn.

Eh, I've got invites for the Heineken Green Room Session. Knn. How to cut down on clubbing when there are so many tempting invites. ARGH. I will cut cut cut.

Btw, results are out this Saturday. Will prolly get the sms results by Friday. I will be seeing Fs all over my transcript. Supp papers here I come~! Eeeee, I don't want to study.

Everyone either has gotten a job or applied for universities. Me? I'm still playing my life away. Don't even know if I can graduate what. So play first, worry later.

Okay, time to get ready to head over to the babe's. Out.

"I'll do what I gotta do to keep you to myself."

Drama Rama Lama

I'm exhausted. Babe commented on my dark eye rings when we met. That's how bad my insomnia is because even powder and concealer can't save me.

Add on the fact I bawled like baby earlier. I was crying so hard that I was shaking. Eyes all dried out and swollen now. |:

But I'm gonna stay up for another 3 hours or so then I'll head to the babe's. At least with her by my side, I sleep well. (:

---

Tonight was like some Channel 8 drama serial. My life just can't get any more exciting can it?

As usual, started out at Phunk with my Yong Tau Foo girlies. Shawn and Jordan then came to pick all 6 of us (Jo, Zen, Leong, Bessy, Baby and myself) up to Zouk. Imagine 6 giggling girls squeezed in the back seat of a Lancer. The 2 lucky boys. Hur.

Phuture started out good because I saw many many people and drank so many many drinks.

Had about 4 glasses of Screwdriver at Phunk, beer from Shawn, down-ed half a glass of Graveyard and a glass of Chivas Green Tea, then I remember people feeding me with their jugs but I had no idea what the contents were. Just drink only. Lol.

I was anything but high. Something's wrong with me these days, I can't seem to get high anymore. |: I think I'm going to die from alcohol poisoning at the rate I drink.

Okay, sorry I digressed. I have a huge tendency to go out of point. Too many things to say. I'm your typical talkative bitchy KC girl. Okay, back to the topic!

Then things took a turn for the worst.

Never had I cried in a club till I lost all strength to even stand. Never had I felt more useless when it all started out because of me.

I will not go into details but I would like to thank Jo and Jie for being there for me.
I'd seriously don't know what I'd do without you girls. Thank you for always being on my side. I love you both dearly.

To my sugar honey seaweed, you know I'm on your side. I'm here right next to you with every single step you take, big or small. I'd rather I visit Cantonment again than you make your maiden trip. I'm really sorry for what happened because after all, it started out because of me. Though I'm not sorry for screaming at you in front of everyone because you made me cry first! Hmph! No matter what, thank you for staying calm and rational. -bigsquishyhug-

To the rest who were either trying to make me stop bawling like a baby or starting a fight. Ping, Elena, Shawn, Jordan, Edmund, etc.
Big thank you to all of you as well.

Clubbing's just nonsense. Been clubbing almost every week since I was 17. 3 years and I'm pretty much done with it. So sick of it all, always the same old shit.

"Walk with me hand in hand, on the path towards our simple life."

Flaming Texts

Oh bugger. Of late, so many friends of mine have been flamed on their blogs. Lil Ryl, Zen and now Elena.

So I got really pissed as usual. I ALWAYS GET PISSED BY FLAMERS. I swear these people have nothing better to do and seriously need to grow some brain cells to realise how stupid they look.

These days, some flamers even leave their names. I don't even know if it's a good thing or bad thing man.

Some stoop so low to criticise the other person (usually my friend), that they write entries and entries about the person on their personal blogs. -smacks forehead- Seriously nothing better to do.

Usually they turn out to be Ah Lians or SPG Wannabes with either a HORRIBLE command of English or a fantastic one. I'd rather speak to the ones with proper English, at least I get to learn new things about the language.

Go get a life or fuck a roach or something equally as ugly.

---

Oh yes I'm in a super bad mood. Drinking Baileys Neat at 1625 so what do you think?

I say back off. Yes I do bite, literally that is.

Revamp

I awoke from a nightmare after only 2 hours of "sleep" and decided to change my layout since I only change the damn layout once a year.

This time around, I decided to be not lazy and use someone else's work so I made it myself from scratch. This took me 3 hours including searching for the suitable image.

Vision's all blurry and fuzzy now.

I think it's nice. Simple, clean and in a very typical Drea colour. Love love!

What say you?

Excuse me now, I think I'm going to try to catch some forty winks. See what my insomnia is doing to me. Argh.

Risk It All & Lose Control

My HOT babe demanded that I include this in my entry.

Remember I mentioned heading to a Canto Bar with her parentals? She went back after sending me off.

So while I was on the phone with her around 0600, a transexual attempted to pick her up but backed off the moment she heard my babe's voice.

ROFL.

She's hot and she's all mine. (:

---

My level of cynicism is just increasing, while my level of self esteem is just going in the other direction.

The common advice is to sleep all the bad things away and wake up to a better day. Problem now is, what if tomorrow isn't a better day. What if it's just like today, the day before and better still, it just gets worst.

Excuse me for sounding so pessimistic but I am after all clinically proven to suffer from anxiety.

Then the other problem is, I'm clinically proven to suffer from insomnia because of anxiety. Those who hang around me know that it can get quite bad. Sleep deprivation for 72 hours is no joke. So how do I even go about sleeping the bad things away?

If you have answers, please come to me. I'm getting so sick of it all.

It feels like October 2005 all over again. Depression's doing the typing.

---

How apt, Power 98FM is playing Natasha Bedingfield's I Bruise Easily right now.

I bruise easily,
so be gentle when you handle me.
There's a mark you leave,
like a love heart carved on a tree.
I bruise easily,
can't scratch the surface,
without moving me underneath.
I bruise easily,
I bruise easily.

I found your fingerprints,
on a glass of wine.
Do you know you're leaving them,
all over this heart of mine too.
But if I never take this leap of faith,
I'll never know.
So I'm learning to fall,
with no safety net to cushion the blow.

---

I pray with all my heart that I get to spend my 20th happily. It's been years since I've not cried (not out of happiness) on my birthday.

I don't want to go through it all alone again.

This year, I only have one wish. One simple wish and that's all I'm asking for.

So tell me now, will you let me take you to the utopia of euphoria, where we belong?

"And I've been secretly crying myself to sleep."

A Series of Unfortunate Events

First things first. This's for the babe.

Flaunt What You've Got Party at Liquid Room on 11th March!!

Flaunt What You've Got Party Series 1
-Party by First Wave

Presents the..
Hottest dance move party!!

Showcasing some of the hottest dancers in
the street dance arena, not to be missed!

Breath taking stunt bike opening performances.

Be spotted with the greatest dance moves
and win hot prizes!

Be present at LIQUID ROOM on
the 11th of MARCH (SAT) 2006
from 10pm onwards till late!

Be sure to check out our stunning First Wave babes
presenting you with goodies and prizes!

Tickets are priced at $16 presale and $18 at the door.
Get them fast before they run out.
Inclusive of 1 free drink!
Free drinks and exclusive promotions &
lucky draws all night long!

Contact 92388874 for tickets and enquires.
For more info check out our site at www.firstwave.sg

Till then,
We'll see you guys there!!

---

Woke up late to meet her. Missed her appointment with Suzanne and it's my fault because I overslept. Great, my sleeping habits just have to continue screwing up my life. Like I haven't gotten into enough trouble the past year because of it. I seriously should get down to getting the damn sleeping pills.

Both sulked around town for awhile. I just haven't been in any mood to coax anyone. I'm not going to blame it on PMS but I just haven't been feeling good of late. Plus, put a "PMS-ing" Taurean and a "PMS-ing" Aquarian together, it's quite bad.

But I still managed to coax the big baby because it was MY fault in the first place. -big puppy eyes, tugs your sleeves and PDA- ((:

Window shopped about and she being the darling as always bought me a basic spag top from Zara. Thank you weed weed! ((:

Dinner at Wisma foodcourt. She had her usual Ban Mian but the aunty gave her U-Mian instead. I had my usual Ba Chor Mee but the aunty put Ketchup in my noodles. BAH.

Caught the 2115 Big Momma's House 2 at Cineleisure. The show's hilarious. I'm in love with the baby boy, Andrew's the name I think. So freaking adorable.
(Note: I don't usually like children and they don't usually like me. Little devils in disguise.)

Then it was to some Canto Bar at International Building with her parentals. Never damn happening what, they played Rock Your Body (Mic Check 1,2) by MVP. Woohoo. Downed a glass of Chivas and left to catch my last bus.

Headed to Lido's Macs to grab some food because someone was feeling like a glutton. I WANT MY MAC'S CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE! The machine had to break down when I wanted to get mine. I WANT MY CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE!!! -big sulk-

It was just not our day today. Totally a series of unfortunate events please. Bloody bugger.

Came home only to find the Lil Brat. Bumped into her and Laura in town earlier and Seaweed was bugging them to head to Liquid this Sat since they are regulars there. Mummy was out drinking at 85 and only came home around 0200. -.-

This is a houseful of alcoholics seriously. It explains why I'm able to hold my liquor. Been trained since young with beer and that's why I love beer. Hur. HEINEKEN PLEASE!

Finally had a decent MSN conversation with Quekypoopoo and Jiejie Leong earlier. We're meeting this Saturday for dinner/coffee and then Liquid Room. I need some good old KC bitching and some good old sister talk with you both! Miss you both to bits.

Oh. I broke my "fast". I couldn't take it and bought a pack of ciggs. Argh. Okay, no more! Promise promise! 7 more weeks to social smoking only. 7 more weeks to my birthday! Lol. Just had to remind everyone.

Tears haven't fallen so freely for such a long time. I thought I lost them.
At least, you made me feel once again.
Reminding me that I'm human and that I'm not jaded.
The epiphanies I experience when I'm with you*.

"I will protect you and respect you and be all you need,
and when you reach for love,
you'll only need to reach for me.
These arms will never let you down,
they're staying around.
I'll walk with you through every storm.
I'll keep you safe, I'll keep you warm,
and you'll have no doubt,
you're the one I'm living for."

You Make My Heart Beat Faster & Slower

Friday

• Glam Queen Marilyn's 18+3 Birthday Party.
• MoS with Ryl, Chy and Seaweed.
• 3 Tiger Drafts and 1 Whiskey Dry.
• She asked me later why I could drink so much and not get high or drunk. BAH. Alcoholic what. Its not so easy to get me high. Bad and good thing.
  
• Ryl and Chy left at 0300 and Ping came along.
• Breakfast / Supper at Macs.
• I ate 2 Sausage McMuffins. Glutton I know.
• My crib.

Saturday

• Got awoken at 1300 again!! Knn.
• Lazed till 1500 though. Because she experienced my drifting in and out of sleep.
  
• Now how am I going to sleep without her by my side coaxing me back to sleep.
  
• Dinner at Bedok 85 Market with her, mummy, lil brat and mummy's bf.
• Ba Chor Mee, Sambal Kang Kong, La la, Stingray.
• Mummy has found a new kaki for cockles. -screws nose in disgust-
• Lil Brat, Mum's bf and I HATE cockles. Therefore mummy was delighted to know that she loves cockles and continued to order a plate. The rest of us just watched the both of them eat the bloody (literally) and smelly (to the 3 of us) cockles.
• Wait till Mummy knows she loves tomato juice as well. I can hear my sis and mum's bf going yuck with me.
• ECP's Beach Cabana with her, Elena and Jeremy.
  
• Heineken Draft. I'm an alcoholic I swear. -rubs beer belly-
• HRC.
• Went in, got our stamp, went to the toilet and decided to leave. Such angels that we didn't club.
• Supper.
  
• Insisted that she brought me to eat Fried Chicken Wings. (PMS Craving)
• Ended up ordering Rojak as well.
• Her crib.
• Watched Memoirs of a Geisha LIKE FINALLY.
• Someone fell asleep in the beginning and complained the next day that she didn't get to watch it. Nonsense seriously.

Sunday

• Got awoken at 1300 AGAIN.
  
• This time around I was just too tired so I went back to sleep till 1430.
• Grocery shopping.
• Ended up buying Chicken Rice, Chwee Kueh, Soya Bean Milk and pigged out.
• Both fell asleep after eating. PIGS, we are. Lol.
• Dinner.
• Fried Seaweed Chicken, Campbell Soup, Rice, Chye Sim and Golden Mushroom with Oyster sauce, all cooked with love. (:
• Home.
• Ate like 3 fried chicken wings. Mummy cooked.

---

I swear I cannot stop eating. That's why they say people who quit smoking put on weight. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. -panics-

Someone like stop me from eating. PLEASE. I just can't stop. I feel like eating now AGAIN. Wah lau. I've seriously been eating A LOT. It's starting to scare me.

[edit: 0658 hours]
I ATE. I freaking went to cook instant noodles. Plus I ate 2 freaking WHOLE damn pieces of fish cake.

It was between eating or going downstairs to buy ciggs. I'm so fighting the temptation.

Doesn't help that I'm emo and PMS-ing. Makes me wanna smoke like hell. [/edit]

---

No matter how long it takes,
my love's not going to fade.
It's just going to grow,
with every passing minute.

17th & 18th March, Friday and Saturday.
I've booked you for both days in advance. You're all MINE on both days. You can't say no. (:

---
*update: 0724 hours.

Insomaniac and crabby-fied.

I know my command of English on this blog is not atrocious. Sorry, typical KC girl. Bad English is a major turn off. It does not have to be fantastic but at least get the damn simple grammar right.

Super random I know. Feeling really bitchy as well but I will resist.

I just laugh when I read blogs with bad English. Especially those with simple grammatical mistakes.

Yes I've got an A1 for English. So go sue Cambridge or something because even I think they gave me the wrong grade.

But since you've got it, flaunt it. That's another random belief of mine.

---

I'm scared, I really am. I guess we both equally are.

Fallen, head over heels.
BUT
Because of you, I am afraid.

What does a girl do to make you see that she's true as she can be? Someone, tell me how, what, who, where and when.

---

I'm kinda missing Jie Leong and Quekypoopoo. Where is my Jie and my BESTFRIEND?! I need my Mocha Latte, Ciggs and Talks with you both! NOW. -pouts-

Bahh. Bite me.

"I didn't come here to tell you that I can't live without you.
I can live without you,
I just don't want to."
-Line from Rumour Has It.

"I've waited all my life to cross this line,
to the only thing that's true.
So I will not hide,
it's time to try anything to be with you.
All my life I've waited,
this is true."