Life's A Bitch, A Real Big Bitch

I've had a bad day. When I say bad, do not underestimate it. In fact, bad doesn't even justify everything that has happened.

I'm feeling so lost now. There's no direction, nothing what so ever to look to. I don't know what to do anymore, I really don't.

Phone's been turned off, refuse to go on MSN even though I'm online. I don't want to talk to anyone because there's nothing left to say. I'm blogging because I need an outlet to let everything out.

I sparked off a physical and verbal fight at my Grandma's 72nd birthday. I know, how filial I am. Though the gathering was doomed to end this way, I didn't expect myself to start the ball rolling.

But I really couldn't take it. I couldn't take the insults thrown at me when it had nothing to do with me in the first place. Whoever said that blood is thicker than water is a bloody idiot, a mother fucking bloody idiot.

I almost killed today, killed someone that is. I totally lost it. Vulgarities spewed all over the place, with no regards of my elders. But, I didn't get physical because my mum was holding me back.

I'm sorry. To everyone. I know my temper's my biggest weakness, but I really tried so hard. I walked away before I could punch the bastard. I truly regret it now, because I can see myself stabbing him to death.

I can't stop thinking about everything that has happened earlier. Every scene just keeps repeating. From crying silently in the bus, crying in front of everyone pretending I was just tired, to walking away from the insult, to going back in and screaming at him. My mind's like a spoilt video, it just keeps replaying and replaying itself. It's really driving me crazy.

All I had for dinner was a can of Carlsberg. I don't even feel hungry. Now, I'm having Chivas neat. It's easier to fall asleep this way, least I won't spend the entire night crying.

My eyes are so sore I barely can open them anymore. I'm so tired but I can't sleep.

It's all my fault. Everything's my fault. My existence is just nothing but trouble and unhappiness. This time I really know, I'll be better off dead.

Don't worry, I'm rather sure I'll stay alive though dying seems like a better option at the moment. I promised. And I always try to make sure I never break them.

But sometimes, depression gets the better of you.

`Spinning: Corrinne May - Will You Remember Me

"My face on the water
Wrinkles with the tide
And vanishes from the ocean's silver screen
Like stars sprinkled in the sky
Forgotten when the sun appears
Will you remember"

Of Shopping & Life

To a particular someone:
Darling, I know it's really hard on you now and I'm sorry I can't be much of help. But do remember, I'll be here when you're back and I'm only a phone call or sms away. Hang in there babe. I love you. Stay strong. -hugs-

---

As much as I think my life sucks, I am aware that there are people out there having it worst than I am at this very moment. Kids in Africa dying from malnutrition and various third world country diseases, soldiers dying for their country in Iraq, innocents killed in terrorists attacks.

Coming back closer to home, I do know of a few who are currently having it worst than I am. It sucks that I can't do anything much to help them and I hate it but that's just life. There's only so much one can do.

I am a firm believer of destiny and fate but not the delusional kind. We all have control of our own lives to a certain extent and I feel awfully lousy that I've completely lost all control of mine. I'm trying my best to regain the control back but till now, to no avail. Sigh.

Okay, enough of emo stuff. Had a great day yesterday. After casting, went to visit mummy at work and ended up spending 4 hours at her workplace having lunch with her and her boss and volunteering free labour.

Then MINE text-ed to date me out. HAHA. We finally went pak tor-ing after a very long time and after my relentless badgering. x:

Left mummy's and walked to the National Library to return and borrow books there for the first time. Yes la, I'm a sua ku, finally went to NLB for the first time. After that, strolled my way to City Hall because I was still WAY early to meet MINE.

Window shopped around and resisted buying a tube top from Miss Selfridge because I have been shopping way too much. LOL. Will touch on that later.

Finally hunger was knocking on MINE's stomach and the plan was for Pasta Mania but because I walked through the Food Court, MINE saw Kimichi Soup and we ended up there. Haha.

Bought my Yami Yoghurt for dessert and MINE skipped her dessert because she was already looking 2 months pregnant. LOL. Home after that. ((:

Baby, had a great time yesterday. When your holidays are here, more pak tor-ing okay? Love you! -smuacks-

---

Saturday, I succumbed to temptation and bought a badge from Agnes B (only after coming home, Lil Brat told me she can get 30% discount but wth anyway) and cleaned out my Topshop gift card with a turtle neck "bare backed" top.

Not to mention I am still waiting for my spree stuff. The "stuff" has increased from 2 E.L.F items to include a pair of wedges and a bag both from Taiwan sprees. -grins-

Of course I still can't beat MINE with her Comme Des Garcons + many random buys and Elena with her CRAZY shopping but I need to stop. My expenditure is way more than my income, which is currently zilch. I am so broke! Now I need to strike Thursday's 5.5 million TOTO. Hahaha.

P.S. I have a list of people whom I want them to be killed in a terrorist attack. I mean it.

`Spinning: Oscar G & Ralph Falcon - Dark Beat (Addicted To Drums)

I Bruise Easily, Really I do

Finally got back my old songs from MINE and somewhat at a time like this, I'm really glad to get them back.

Been listening only to the emo songs and my trance/house tracks. The R&B/Hip Hop tracks are conveniently skipped with a click of the mouse because I am so damn sick of them. Hear them every Friday and Saturday anyway.

The songs I have, I have a real penchant for them. I know the tunes, I know the lyrics. Most of all, I am able to relate to them one way or another.

I haven't been in the best of moods. Even getting high on Saturday wasn't a blissful thing. Instead, it was more like a "drown my sorrows" affair. I didn't get drunk though because, I didn't want to. I played my part and stayed sober. But mostly, I didn't want to cry in front of people that have never seen me cry and this, is a first for me.

To be honest, I don't even know what bloody sorrows I have. I've just been feeling really down the past week or so. Sigh. Too many things have been happening in a short time and it doesn't help that I feel so helpless.

I'm tired now. Casting at 1030 hours tomorrow morning. It's bed time. I just do hope I'll fall asleep fast.

`Spinning: Armin Van Buuren & Dj Tiesto - Take Me Away

"My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been
And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing"

Nervous Breakdown

Okay. I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE.

Yes, I am sick of bumming around already. Mondays - Fridays I am usually at home unless something crops up outside and I have to attend to it. Once a week I go to the National Library to restock my books. Besides all that, all I do is come online; play games, chat, check forums, check e-mail, sleep, eat and smoke.

I swear having nothing to do all day long just makes me eat and smoke and sleep most of the time. This lifestyle is supposed to make you fat. IT'S SUPPOSED TO OKAY?! Considering I take supper EVERY DAY. WHY AM I NOT GAINING WEIGHT. WHY?!?!

Omg fuck. I swear I'm going mad already. Getting all cooped up like this. Then the boring MoS Saturday night which beats staying at home doing what I do 5 days a week.

WAH FUCK. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF ALREADY LA.

Doesn't help that all my friends are scattered across the globe now. One in UK (Ryl), the other down under in Perth (Jac), another one holidaying in San Frans (Denise). I don't even want to mention Marilyn who's probably flying to God knows which continent as I type.

Even the ones in Singapore are so busy. Sigh. I swear I will go mad soon, honest.

Even MINE is so busy with school. I can't blame her either cause the poor baby's already going mad with her curriculum. -wails-

BABY I REALLY MISS YOU.

As I type, I'm silently breaking down. I really am.

"There’s only so much you can learn in one place
The more that you wait, the more time that you waste
I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own
It sways and it swings and it bends until you make it your own
I can make it alone"

G(ive) S(o) T(ake) Offset

Ahh. The much anticipated GST Offset that we Singaporeans have been looking forward to. My letter finally arrived and I'm so pleased that I'm getting $250. Hehehe.

To be honest, I didn't really care how much I would be getting because I knew I'll prolly either get $200 or $250 because of my total household income and home category. I was more worried about not getting the money because the government has always "cheated" with the sentence, "Be aged 21 as of 1st January 2007". Thank God that's not the case or I'd be banging my head against the wall just because I was born almost 5 months later.

Was reading through the FAQs section of the GST Offset website and I saw this, "NSF/NSmen (both active and inactive) will get an additional $100 worth of GST Credits in recognition of their contributions to Total Defence." and I have something to say about it.

Those who know me well, would know I'm a real feminist and all about equal gender rights. So why isn't there a clause that states, "An additional $100 worth of GST Credits for all women who have given birth in recognition of their contribution to Singapore's population."

So what? We go through our painful monthly periods, carry a child for 9 months (assuming you only have 1 child), bear with all that labour pain what have you and don't deserve a measly extra $100?! Seriously, tell me how is that fair?! How to encourage women to have 2 or more children like that? No motivation at all! -shakes head-

P.S. Not that it affects me because the only 3 babies I have are Hershey, Lolly & Baby. Namely a dog, a cat and a terrapin. LOL.

"Money money money!"

Of Ear Sticks & Fast Food

Of late, I've been a teeny bit depressed. Reckon that it has a lot to do with what happened on the 8th plus the added agony of loneliness getting to me. MINE has been so busy with school and I have been busy turning my life upside down literally by getting my sleeping hours all wrong again when I finally had it normal for 2-3 weeks.

I realise that my sleeping hours go haywire every time I'm depressed and it sucks. All because I sleep in the day, wake up at dinner time, then stay awake till the morning around 0800 - 1000 hours and the vicious cycle repeats.

Then there's the extreme crazy eating binge I go on and still don't put on any bloody weight. Sigh. It's not normal to eat like every regular girl and weigh 41 KG on a good day and 39.5 KG on a bad day. Envy the weight all you want, I'd give it to anyone with a normal weight of 45-48KG for my height because I'm so underweight that it's disgusting and abnormal.

As usual, I haven't slept a wink since I woke up at 1800 hours yesterday. Played games online till bout 0600 hours this morning, read Herworld Mag, read Harry Potter & The Order of The Phoenix for the millionth time before getting ready to go out to run errands.

Headed to the library to return and borrow more books for my depression induced nights and boring life. Then to the bank to QCD (Quick Cheque Deposit) my pay check from the golf event. Will only get the money on Monday which sucks cause I need it to buy Mother's Day present for Mummy. I only have myself to blame because I was supposed to run these errands yesterday but sleep sounded better.

Then bought ear sticks and some nonsensical nail stickers for a total of S$1.90 only. Haha. Those who have been hanging out with me know that I've gone a lil mad with my nails of late. The ear sticks were to replace my tragus barbell which I officially lost because I took it out for the 8th. Bloody fuck make me lose it for nothing. With regards to the ear sticks, I think I last wore them in Secondary School which was officially 5 years ago. LOL.

Craved for Mac's Cheeseburger and decided that it would be my lunch accompanied by a medium Coke. Hurhur. Now, I'm officially having a stomach ache. This is what happens when you have fast food for brunch.

At Mac's, I saw a ton of school kids, I reckon it must be the exam period not because it was too early for school to have ended. Then continued to see more KC girls waiting for buses to KC. Brought me reminiscing the times where I could eat LJS almost on a daily basis or survive on a cup of bubble tea just for lunch. Haha.

God, ear sticks and fast food. Such memories.

"What we remember from childhood we remember forever; Permanent ghosts,
stamped, inked, imprinted, eternally seen. -Cynthia Ozick"

Failure

I didn't make it. After everything, I didn't make it.

After thinking about it the entire day, I figured maybe what went wrong but oh well, a little too late for that now.

Now, I'll have to pick up from where I left off. I can't continue going on this way. Something needs to be done about my life, something, anything.

See, luck is never on my side.

"My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's
doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be
lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key
to my destiny. - Elaine Maxwell."

Do or Die

This is my 600th blog post since abnegation started out in December 2003. ((: -pats self on back-

Yes, I'm not the kind of person who would change blog addresses every few months or so (looks pointedly at Jie and Ryl) and I've made it a point to stick to abnegation like it has stuck to me for the past couple of years. Despite the 2 blog wars I've had and a couple of rude anonymous taggers in the beginning, everything has been fine and dandy. ((:

---

Met Denise dear on Wednesday to catch up and all and oh boy did we really talk a lot in 1 day's span. Hurhur.

First up was lunch at Pastamania, TM. Then headed to town to check out Kate Moss, Topshop's collection (which launches only on the 17th of this month). After which was to Prada, Paragon to leave my contact number so I wouldn't have to constantly go over and ask if my wallet is in stock already. The guy kindly told me that it probably won't come in till Autumn/Winter collection which is like October! Which is like half a year to go! -grumbles-

Headed over to Starbucks at California Fitness to rest our feet and talk some more. Hurhur. MINE joined us shortly and we decided to leave town for Bugis.

Bugis-ed awhile and had LJS for dinner. After dinner we had no idea what to do and we ended up at Mustafa! Hahaha.

Denise bought her gold watch, MINE bought yet another watch and some other nonsense. Finally, around 2230, we went home and Denise went to Zouk. (:

Babe, it was good catching up with you. Thanks for all the talking. Love you! See you on Friday at Zouk ar? Haha. -hugs-

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4 more days to the 8th. -shudders- The 8th is the day where I either do or die, literally. I don't know how I'll take to failing and I do know I'd be estatic if I pass. Everyone please pray for me. Luck is never on my side like how my mum pointedly said to my grandma earlier. So PRAY PLEASE PRAY!

"Either you make it, or break it"