Life's A Bitch, A Real Big Bitch

I've had a bad day. When I say bad, do not underestimate it. In fact, bad doesn't even justify everything that has happened.

I'm feeling so lost now. There's no direction, nothing what so ever to look to. I don't know what to do anymore, I really don't.

Phone's been turned off, refuse to go on MSN even though I'm online. I don't want to talk to anyone because there's nothing left to say. I'm blogging because I need an outlet to let everything out.

I sparked off a physical and verbal fight at my Grandma's 72nd birthday. I know, how filial I am. Though the gathering was doomed to end this way, I didn't expect myself to start the ball rolling.

But I really couldn't take it. I couldn't take the insults thrown at me when it had nothing to do with me in the first place. Whoever said that blood is thicker than water is a bloody idiot, a mother fucking bloody idiot.

I almost killed today, killed someone that is. I totally lost it. Vulgarities spewed all over the place, with no regards of my elders. But, I didn't get physical because my mum was holding me back.

I'm sorry. To everyone. I know my temper's my biggest weakness, but I really tried so hard. I walked away before I could punch the bastard. I truly regret it now, because I can see myself stabbing him to death.

I can't stop thinking about everything that has happened earlier. Every scene just keeps repeating. From crying silently in the bus, crying in front of everyone pretending I was just tired, to walking away from the insult, to going back in and screaming at him. My mind's like a spoilt video, it just keeps replaying and replaying itself. It's really driving me crazy.

All I had for dinner was a can of Carlsberg. I don't even feel hungry. Now, I'm having Chivas neat. It's easier to fall asleep this way, least I won't spend the entire night crying.

My eyes are so sore I barely can open them anymore. I'm so tired but I can't sleep.

It's all my fault. Everything's my fault. My existence is just nothing but trouble and unhappiness. This time I really know, I'll be better off dead.

Don't worry, I'm rather sure I'll stay alive though dying seems like a better option at the moment. I promised. And I always try to make sure I never break them.

But sometimes, depression gets the better of you.

`Spinning: Corrinne May - Will You Remember Me

"My face on the water
Wrinkles with the tide
And vanishes from the ocean's silver screen
Like stars sprinkled in the sky
Forgotten when the sun appears
Will you remember"