Actually This Feels Worse Than Semester Papers

I know I'm going to regret the title but semester papers are not due till next Feb/Mar. Months to go so fuck it. Oh yes I'm crying while typing this but since a week ago, when have I blogged without crying.

Friends have been telling me that they miss the old Andrea. Fuck, I miss myself as well okay. So stop telling me that you miss the old me. I miss myself more than anyone. Ego speaking again. So ya, don't ask if I'm okay, because I've always hated that question. When someone is obviously not okay, you expect her to say yes? I always end up saying yes to shut everyone up. SO DON'T FUCKING ASK OKAY.

Mummy has some trouble with work. When she told me, I almost burst out in tears but I didn't, cause i didnt want her to ask questions because she would drill me. Actually she wont because she knows im damn hell stubborn. like her as much as she doesnt want to admit.

I dont reallly know why im blogging but i am. Just got quek to come pick me up so we can head to leong's because I just cant leave this hell hole alone. I cant wait for school to start again (Im going to regret this sentence as well but fuck it) so at least I have my girls back with me and prolly end up crying in the middle of business canteen because Jem would try to force me to eat but not suceed because hes scared of girls crying (it happened before so I doubt he'll try again but marilyn might and she'll end up screaming at me in front of everyone).

the girls and boys will be back on friday so i'll prolly end up at zouk on saturday night with the marilyn. see if i got money la. i only have 50 and i think im going to spend it all tonight. my cigg intake has been quite scary. serious chain smoking. i think im either going to die from the lack of food, lung cancer or alcohol overdose tonight.

actually come to think of it. ive been the old andrea to a certain extent. im still as stubborn and thats a major trait. no one can make me do anything if i dont want to except her and marilyn i think. even my mum has given up trying to make me do things. for example, my room is in a bigger mess than ive ever seen because i just cannot be bothered. ill prolly go crazy one day and start spring cleaning. i wish.

wish wish wish. thats all i can do. ive always secretly wished to see my dad back with us. i always secretly wish that because hes back so i can have my rich days back and it will be happy family again.. dads family flithy rich la okay that explains why im spoilt so dont blame me. i wish i could do better in school because i can if i stop doing last min work, do my tutorials and attend all lessons, which i have failed since i stepped into poly.

i wish i either never met u or things will be the same again. i wish that ill be able to enter sq's office in either yield mgt or route planning but i wont because they look at papers and im obviously no honours student like ryl and i lack a damn masters and experience. i wish i had a really goodlooking gf maybe like drake, HAHA but i had this convo with a irc friend and decided that i want the limelight for myself so my gf cannot be better looking than me. ego again. i wish i striked toto or 4d so i dont need to depend on anyone for money and get my mum out of her hell job. i wished i continued with ballet so i could become a professional ballerina (my dream when i was young ok), cant believe i stopped after 12 years and wasted all that 12 years.

but money isnt everything, i honestly just wish i can be as happy as i was back in kc. parkway with sel, bubbletea for lunch, fighting with val, running around the art room without my belt singing to whatever song was on the radio, getting oil paints all over my face and go home looking like a moron without realising it, dancing like mad girls with my cheerleading mates during practice, avoiding mr karib who cut my belt at least 5 times in my 4 years, peggy tan demanding i take off my hot pink sweater during assembly cause she though i looked like a fool, in house suspension because of playing dai dee. -smiles-

but we all have to grow old. KNN. next year 20. i hope 2006 will be better than 2005. then i would have known quek for 5 years, 1 year of being my gf and 4 years of being best friends. hahaha. i think she'll die thinking of how much more of my nonsense she'll have to tahan from me. the shock when i told her CERTAIN things which a selected people know. and she scolding me (VERY RARE OKAY because Quek is scared of me. LOL) because of the shock and me doing something i would never do.

then i have to switch my body clock back because its been mad. i only fell asleep at 9 plus this morning and my mum just patted my head when she saw me awake. i wish they gave me the damn sleeping pills in the hospital. not bad, knocked out straight away.

actually i dont even know what im blogging. just random thoughts in my head. it beats my random thought of jumping off because that ran through my head when i came back from crying while buying ciggs. not bad, when ur crying. they dont dare to check ur ic. haha. k, im off to finish potter and wait for the duck to waddle here.

"It's so hard to let go"