I'm Not Giving This Up

Yes I know, I promised Leong and Quek I would after that last entry but I'm not giving up. Because, I'm not and I can't.

I deleted the entry on 19th Nov because after much thought, reading and talking to people, I was in the wrong. I'm sorry but that was my only way to express my feelings but I shouldn't have done it that way. I know that I already posted it and it probably wouldn't help but it was childish and I don't really want to read it in my archives in the future and I was in the wrong. I could have handled it in a better way, but I didn't.

I've hardly spoken to Quek proper because every single time I try, I end up crying. As for Quek, I think you're just speechless. I'm sorry to have to put you through all my nonsense. I'll be fine, I'm not going to kill myself or anything. I won't. I promised remember?

I've lost another 1 kg in less than a week. I'm trying to eat, but everytime I see food, the bile just comes up to my throat and I end up puking nothing but water and green bile. Throat is still sore and the temperature is still fluctuating. I feel like I'm having dengue fever. -.-

The weather isn't helping much either. I'm perpetually freezing under my clothes, jacket and blanket. Where's the sun when you need it. Stupid.

With all honesty, I don't feel like clubbing tomorrow. But I was the one who bugged Cheryl (who has exams now), Quek (who is broke and her COOKIE wouldn't be there) and Bessy (who has to work the next day) so I feel guilty about backing out. I guess I'll just head to newsroom bar with them for drinks and if I'm still sober, we'll head to Zouk. See how okay girls? Sorry for wanting to back out.

Finally I have the house to myself. Mum and mum's bf is out working, the lil sis is out celebrating her freedom after O's. At least behind these closed doors, no one can see how I look like. Trust me, I look terrible with my skin still peeling, major dark eye rings and layers of fabric for warmth.

I've taken to sleeping in my mum's room for the past week. Because somehow, at least I don't feel so lonely. I've been wanting to talk to my mum. That's how desperate I am. At least, I can cry and she'll tell me everything's all right, everything will be fine. But of course I can't. I wish you would be the one, stroking my hair and telling me everything's going to be fine.

Stupid menses are here and I'm having the worst cramps in my life. I guess its the lack of food so its like gastric and cramps combined. Knn. I really really feel like a zombie, but zombies can't feel anything right? Okay, random.

Neil Sedaka's Laughter In the Rain is on repeat. Sugar is sitting next to me. Rainy days make me cry. And I really miss the lil baby and its owner.

Tears are here again. I never knew I had such a large supply of tears.

"Bring it all back to me"