one last try

the past i dont know how many hours, i spent it by sitting on the ledge on the 9th floor to the view of your block. when i finally got off. i started wandering about my block like a lost soul. then i started walking towards your house. but halfway through, i turned back. i don't know what made me got off that ledge and what made me turn back. but i did.

all i could do was cry and cry and cry. yes, ive lost it. i really have. everything came crumbling down since the day you left. ive tried, i really have. i haven't had a good night's sleep. i wake up every other night crying from stupid nightmares. the only one i can clearly remember was getting stuck alone in batam. i took the ferry from singapore and ended up in batam. then i realised i couldn't leave because i didn't have my passport. and then i woke up in tears.

im scared. i really am. i dont know whats wrong with me now. i dont even feel hungry after not eating for days. my darling sister made me pasta for dinner earlier, out of appreciation, i ate it. i know you read this amanda, just want to say thank you. that meant a lot to me.

the past week, my imagination went as far as a depressed person went. if only it was ever so active when i really needed it for projects and proper stuff. i thought about death in every single way you can. poison, car accident, rape, jumping off the building, knives, pills, choking, electrocution etc.

i thought about my love life, official relationships, crushes, flings, unofficial relationships. nur, ryan rodrigues, erlina, michelle yip, stephanie quek, elaine chee, bessy tan, shaun chong, dawn, rick, daniel chan and then lastly you, janice wee.

i thought about my dad and his other family, my family when he was still around, my mum, my sis and even my mum's boyfriend, my maternal grandma and grandpa, my beloved godparents and god siblings, my cousins and even my paternal grandma's dogs, ah girl, lucky, tiger and max.

i thought about my close friends, kim swee from pri 1, sapphira from pri 3-4, alicia from pri 5-6. sel, adah, sharline, tannia, amanda, val, ryna and of course queky from my secondary school days. chy, ryl, jem, kerrie, ron, shaun chong, shawn low, mel, dele, marilyn from the soon to be poly days. the random ones that i was either close to for a period or still am, cousin mervyn, sister mel anne and leong.

i thought about the days back in kc. the smell of my oil paints, the late night cheerleading practices. mad monks with sel, eddy, quek and bessy. late nights at cine sitting by the ramps doing absolutely nothing with the homeless crew. daily crying sessions at quek's when i went through my first depression at 16. i guess, ive been depressed in one way or another ever since.

basically, i thought about my past 19 years. the laughter, the tears, the anger, the jealously, the hate, the love, the pride. but most of the time, my thoughts centred around you. what you could be possibly doing at that very moment, how you were feeling, if you miss me like i do, if you still love me like i do. or if you told me the truth that you like someone else. if you would be willing to give it one last try like i would.

yes im stupid. yes im in denial. yes im dreaming of something i can never have. but thats all i can think about. i sit in front of the television and cry at the slightest sappy scene. i cry in the shower. i cry when i wake up. i cry myself to sleep. thats all i can do now. cry.

i look at my phone every single day. jumping at the sound of the tone of a phone call. hoping that it would be you. i even felt vaguely happy after hearing your voice this morning. i left my house, went to the bank and continued wandering around the interchange. crying. because my cheque would not get in till wed and chan bros hasnt paid me. i bet i looked like some moron with dark eye rings, crying, walking back and forth not knowing what to do.

i cry every single time i blog. the tears just fall and i only realise when my cheeks are all wet and my clothes damp. i just can't stop crying. my eyes and head hurts from all the crying and the lack of sleep. i cant walk straight, i obviously cant think straight. i still refuse to leave my house unless i have to cry and the family is around. i rejected food from my mums bf because the sight of it made me close to barfing. everytime i call quek, im crying.

i promised you and many others that i wouldnt attempt to kill myself again. so i didnt and i kept my promise. this year has been the toughest year ive been through. and through it all, you were there for me. scolding me to wake me up, hugging me as i cried, giving me suggestions on how i could go about solving my problems. and when i finally got better, made the move to move on, you left.

you were the only one who kept me going on. you made me open my eyes and take a good look around. and now, all i see is darkness. ive lost everything once again. and i know i would have to go through this, with or without you. but ive tried, i really have. i cant. when i finally came to terms with the fact that the relationship was over, you dropped a bomb on me. a bomb that pushed me even deeper back into the darkness.

now, im just going to give it one last try. as much as it angers my close friends. as much as i know what the answer is deep down. i really need you, i do. i'm sorry. will you come back to me?