This Is How A Heart Aches

I haven't felt so lousy in awhile. Okay, maybe I have but this time it was just a little too much to take. Mood's lousy, health's lousy, work was lousy, everything's lousy. Bottom line, Andrea's lousy.

My stomach was giving me the run for my money during work. Sharp pains as and when it felt that I wasn't having a bad day as it was already, demanding to be cleared of it contents (or whatever it wanted to clear since I barely ate) every now and then. I just want to rip my stomach and womb out and throw it away. Yes, I'm getting the occasional cramps as well. |:

Coupled with my lousy mood, work was just blearugh, like major. I attempted to take my mind off certain issues by keeping myself busy but it didn't work. I was just too damn distracted. My colleagues had to repeat themselves at least twice when they told me something until my manager strangled me and asked me what was wrong. At that moment, I was wishing he'd tightened his grip and strangle me to death, really.

And when I had totally nothing to do, I just stood and stoned into thin air. Listening to the bloody emo love songs the band were playing and feeling even lousier. I whined, complained and even snapped at some of my colleagues. I even rejected free food. Yes, I WAS FEELING THAT FUCKED UP.

Okay, I think 3 paragraphs of explanation is enough to let everyone see the point already.

I'm sure all of us, at one point or another has felt their heart ache, literally that is. I don't know how you describe that feeling but your heart just aches like your muscles (yes I do know that our hearts are made up of muscles). I don't mean anything along the medical conditions like heart burn or what not but a heart ache derived from disappoinment and sadness.

My heart ached so bad that I was on the verge of tears but I held them back as much as I could or my colleagues would start shooting questions. My heart still aches, I feel the emotional strings tugging harder and harder, determined to make my tears fall. But I won't cry, I haven't and I will not.

Am I really that horrible? Am I really that lousy? I know I'm not perfect but do I really have more flaws than regular people have? If the answers to all those questions are no, then why is it that I just can't seem to get anything right? Will someone tell me?

I've never felt so helpless for a long time. I feel like I'm slipping silently into the abyss of depression once again.

I could really do with a shot of Absinthe right now. No, make it 3 shots of Bacardi 151 since Absinthe isn't available in Singapore. (Bacardi 151 has 75% alcohol, so don't even think about Absinthe)

I need my happy pill. I miss my happy pill.

"Even if the world goes against me,
I'll be right here with you.
That's why, I'm saving all my love for you."